12/30/2015

So you know how excited I am about getting some facial hair - well today when I washed my face there was this fuzzy hair on my face! Different places on my face are pealing. Had my first haircut since I've been hairless. It's about an inch long and silver. All in all, I'm rather weird looking! I'm so grateful to be alive regardless of how I look. Another year has gone by. A year very different than we expected!

12/27/2015

Wondering why I feel so disconnected from everything.. Just could be because I have lived that kind of a life for the last 10 months, or medication, or extreme fatigue, or side effects from treatments; or who knows.. Maybe it's just part of the whole cancer experience. Then I think about people who have lived their entire lives with illness and handicaps and marvel at their tenacity. I know how blessed I have been though. I have known miracles during this time that could only have come to me because of the faith and prayers of my family and friends and the grace of God. The good thing is I am starting the last phase of the treatment. Five years to life - sounds like a jail sentence doesn't it?! Life with it's many ups and downs are gifts to us, chosen for each of us to learn and grow. I just hope that I am learning and becoming a better person!!

12/24/2015

Halleluiah! Last day of radiation! The doctor and wonderful staff at the cancer center had a celebration for me. It just seems so unreal that 28 treatments are over - what seemed insurmountable in the beginning. While we were celebrating Dr. Fisher told me the test results from the nuclear bone scan revealed bone disintegration and arthritis in hands, feet, knees, back- but NOT CANCER!! Anyone who has raised ten kids and is 67 years old should have a lot of wear and tear on their body. So onto the next phase of treatment which is the hormone blocker that Dr. Hansen says with my kind of cancer I will have to take for five years or for the rest of my life. Also need to have a bone density test to determine if I need some kind of bone strengthening infusions which would be once a month. I'm so grateful the cancer hasn't spread but I realize the rest of my life will be much different than it was. There is much to be learned from this experience in my life. Actually much of my treatment has been at Ogden Regional where in the many folders of information was the following: PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, where there is hatred, let me sow love, where there is injury, pardon where there is doubt, faith where there is despair, hope where there is darkness, light and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood, as to understand to be loved, as to love for it is in giving that we receive it is in pardoning that we are pardoned and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. I love this prayer. It truly is who I aspire to become and so many of you have exemplified in my life this past year.

12/18/2015

It has been an interesting couple of days. Beginning with the day I felt good enough to go shopping after radiation - for an hour that is! Walked into Wal-Mart and you know how they have displays of toys and things, well inside the door they had a box full of different toys. One was a big plastic crayon that I know one of the kids would enjoy. So I picked it up and went on into the store just to be blocked by the security man who ask me what I was doing with the toy. "Isn't this cute?" "Ma'am, didn't you read the writing on the box? That is the Toys For Tots box. You need to return it." Was that ever embarrassing! I was hoping to be done when this radiation ends but I'm going in for a bone scan on Monday. First get the injection, then go for radiation, then back for the scan. Hope I don't blow up in the radiation machine! If it comes back and they still can't tell if the area in my back is cancer or degeneration they will do a bone biopsy. That sure sounds fun to me..... The good thing is if it is cancer it can be radiated in five treatments. To be honest, that was depressing until thoughts of so many people who live with debilitating illnesses for years helped my perspective.

12/14/2015

Just thinking about prayer and how powerful other's prayers have been in this last year in my life. I have always loved the quote "Be an answer to someone else's prayer". One of the most poignant times that has taught me about other's prayers was the day my mother, my best friend who I knew loved me unconditionally, left this earth life. I was sobbing and walking the floor upstairs in our bedroom. To this day I can still vividly picture where I was in the room when I suddenly felt the pain and sorrow lifted from my soul. A perfect calm came over me and in my heart I heard the words: "Someone is praying for you". That was 36 years ago and yet feels like yesterday. I know the prayers said for me have lifted me through this last year of cancer treatment. So many of you have prayed for me and really have been the answer to my prayers. You know if there are any misspelled words in these blogs it is the automatic spelling correction! It even replaces words making when you don't realize it. It certainly couldn't be me - ha. Feeling good today since the radiation doctor's office called and said they were cancelling treatments today. I'm happy to see that the hourly burn cream has made a difference! What a beautiful day it is with the snow covered tree branches!

12/12/2015

Picture this: An old woman always wearing zip front sweatshirts with pockets full of eye drops, disinfectant, tubes of Aquaphor, and a cell phone with alarms that go off every hour. Yep, it's me! Pretty sad sight. I really hate to spend the time taking care of myself, but then I don't have any energy to do much else. Every hour with the eye drops that somehow looking in the mirror and putting them in half of the drops miss my eye entirely and end up running down my cheeks. Then there's the burn cream to rub on the crisp radiated area so your side and arm sticks together every hour. But even worse is the "air time" your supposed to give your chest. Now I am aware there is nothing on my chest but even with the doors locked and the blinds down I'm worried someone might somehow get in my house and see me. Am I weird or what?? Only six more radiation treatments to go! Interesting that while they are telling you radiation is the easiest part of cancer treatment you find out that many people quit before the treatment ends because they are so miserable. I think it is more of a conglomeration of chemo and surgery that puts your body into a "I've had it" mode.

12/9/15

Seek heavenly guidance one day at a time Life by the yard is hard by the inch it's a cinch Thomas S. Monson Only ten treatments left and the MRI is over so inch by inch, yard by yard, day by day this cancer treatment is going to end! I am such a woos (is that how you spell that word that means weak, etc?) I only know that without heavenly guidance and blessings, life this last year would have been so much harder. The MRI is a noisy experience but the good thing is they don't band your feet together or keep your arms clasp to bars above your head. You do have some company though because the technician is talking to you and explaining what is going on. Never opened my eyes because I certainly would have panicked thinking sudden death was coming in that very claustrophobic tube! Should have the results back by Friday. They are concerned about an area in my back that has been there since the beginning of treatment but thought if it was cancer it should have been killed by the chemo. The three doctors involved in my treatment remind me that they will be seeing me often in the future.

12/6/2015 A whole week has gone by again. I am going to Sacrament Meeting and I am so grateful for the peace that brings me. Gisela is coming with me! Almost every day I a make a list of what I am going to get done. Guess that is helpful to make myself ashamed when night comes and if I'm lucky one thing on the list will be done. It is interesting that with chemo I rarely felt nauseated, just more cramping, and now with radiation there are times of extreme nausea. Which usually happens when I try to shop - I think Scott has put a curse on me! So grateful to live in Morgan

11/30/15

12/3/5

Isn't it comforting to have some understanding through the scriptures of what these last days hold for us? I'm just finishing the Book of Mormon (and no, it isn't the first time!) and the heartbreak of those final days of the Nephites reported by Mormon. We know of the commotion and destruction of the last days - we are living in it. What is amazing to me is how rapidly good has become evil and vise versa. The last two days of radiation have been good. The Dr. says I'm probably not going to burn to the point of blisters and pealing but the fatigue will increase. Yeah!! I love the staff at Ogden Regional Cancer Center. The toll road and I have become good friends. Even robbed my piggy bank for quarters. I knew they would come in handy some day but never thought it would be a quick way to make daily trips to the hospital for radiation treatments!

12/1/15

Who knows what the future holds for any of us? I wonder if we knew, would we be more prepared.?. Guess we need to live every day as if it was our last. It is depressing that I know that could be a reality for me, for any of us really, but I am not consistently doing those things I know would make me a better person. How sad is that??! It seems that my energy level is no where to be found. So I leave radiation and feel like I can go shopping only to find that after twenty minutes of walking through Sams I don't know if I am going to throw up or pass out - once I get to the car and get something to eat it usually subsides. Just saying I don't mean to undermine Sam's Club! It's the same no matter where it is... Anyway, there are just 14 radiation treatments left. Remember the old westerns where the Indians would stretch and tie their enemies to what looked like two poles held together by other boards, that's how it feels to have your arms stretched above your head and your feet tied together and not being able to move for over 30 minutes. The two nurses, one male and one female, didn't think it was very funny when I shared that info with them. When they left I realized that the male nurse, who I thought was Asian, actually was of the native American Indian descent. Isn't it interesting that everyone leaves the radiation room because it is dangerous for them and yet we cancer patients are always enduring radiation. Have a good night! Love you all!!

11/28/15

Today has been one of those reflective kind of days for me. I've been thinking today about faith and it's importance in our lives. Faith and prayer have brought miracles in my life but one of the most memorable happened close to ten years ago and centered on my daughter, Megan. At the age of twelve she was diagnosed with a severe kidney disease. She did so well but always in my mind was that fear that it would come out of remission and she would have to live her life on dialysis. She and Nate were dating and Nate's grandmother, when she found out about Megan's nephritis, said there was a world renowned kidney doctor that had a summer home close to where she lived and asked if Megan would like to see him. So she set up a meeting between him and Megan while they were with her.He made time between his traveling and research to see her at the Kidney Center next to Huntsman in Salt Lake. That Megan even had the chance to have him go over her case was a miracle! Basically from his tests he told us that having children would destroy her health, or that of the baby, or both. Motherhood is so precious to me that I was just heartbroken to think that she could never have children of her own. So we walked out of the office to the sidewalk with me begging for strength to help her. Suddenly she turned to me, took me by the shoulders and saw the tears running down my face. "Mom please don't cry. They don't know everything! What do they know of the priesthood or even prayer?" I was so grateful for her faith that comforted me - even though I should have been the supportive one! Megan's faith, through two healthy pregnancies and childbirths that could have ended tragically, has always been an inspiration to me. Radiation is beginning to take it's tole with a sore throat, aches, and a tightening sensation through out my left chest wall, under my arm and up into my neck. Being tired by now is a normal, but frustrating, condition. I'm so blessed to be old with no one that I need to take care of - but my husband. He has done a great job of taking care of me though! Thank you all for your friendship, love, and concern. Your prayers have brought about miracles in my life!

11/27/15

It's after 9:00 pm - the time I should be in bed if I don't want to be miserable. However my husband is in a more worse state than I am. He had an angiogram yesterday and has had a reaction to the dye. His whole body is red, itchy, and generally miserable! The radiation is catching up with me with sore throat, head ache, body aches that began with chemo and general fatigued. My left chest wall feels burned and tight. Only have 16 more radiation treatments and it but probably isn't going to be much fun, but what about cancer is fun? Or any other medical condition for that matter. On the other hand we have so much to be grateful for!

11/23/15

It's interesting to think that I see the radiation staff at the hospital more often than I see my family here on the ranch. However I think they will be happy to see the end of my treatment after I scared the nurse taking my blood pressure to death by squealing. Probably only my family knows that I am a squealer - it doesn't matter what the occasion is - happy, sad, you name it. Normally in radiation you just go in, go back to the dressing room, put on their weird little top and they are there to take you into the radiation room. So I was surprised when they took me in to take my blood pressure, etc. From the beginning of breast cancer surgery you are told to be sure nothing is done on the arm the lymph nodes are removed from. Nothing tight on that arm, no blood drawn from that arm, etc. So when the nurse sat me down and pulled out the blood pressure cuff I didn't even think until the cuff started to tighten on my arm and then I realized it was my bad arm. So of course, I squealed. She got this horrified look on her face and her eyes were as big as dollars. She couldn't imagine what had happened but knew it must be bad! "Take that off my arm right now!" "What on earth is the matter?" I know she thought that I had lost it completely. It is difficult to remember not to do normal things with that arm because there is no pain involved. But I certainly need to control myself!! Jamie was asked to speak on prayer on Sunday. We were at her house having a birthday lunch for Kelsey. She was asking if anyone had any ideas or stories. As I listened to the girls the reality of how important prayers have been in my life just overwhelmed me. I believe that I am alive because of the prayers of so many others; because many friends have put my name on temple prayer rolls; because my children and precious grandchildren constantly pray for me. I whole heartedly believe in the power of prayer!

11/22/15

Time is passing so quickly. Nine months ago I thought a year of cancer treatment sounded like forever - and here it is almost Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for! The one thing I wish I had known during chemo and being so miserable with the chronic dry eye stuff was it could have been treated. With all of the side effects of treatment, that has been the most miserable for me. Three weeks of eye drops every hour have been very helpful. The eye doctor says three more months of eye drops every hour and Restasis - who knew a months supply of that is $434. However at Sam's Club it is $99 (in case anyone needs to know) So between the hourly eye drops and the aloe vera chest rubs to prevent burning every three hours, I'm a busy woman! Have had nine radiation treatments; so only nineteen left. The best thing about radiation is the warm blanket they cover you with! The worst thing is making sure you don't move for half an hour while you are going in and out of the tube. By nighttime I'm achy all over and tired but that's much better than the chemo and the surgery!

11/19/15

There have been good things happening here: I'm finally growing some facial hair ( a few eyebrow hairs and eyelashes that are now a sixteenth of an inch long). It sounds so strange to me when I laugh and then I realize it has been some time since I thought there was much to laugh about. The radiation is going well. After tomorrow there will only be four weeks of radiation left. Then hormone blocking stuff and before you know it I'll be through that year of treatment Dr. Garvy said it would be. In the beginning a year sounded like an eternity, now it's amazing that so much of it is over. Today was an eye appointment after radiation. Dr. Dastrup has been so helpful. Remembering how painful my eyes have been since beginning chemo and I did nothing about it because I thought it was all chemo related is sad. Now it's going to be three more months of eye drops every hour - maybe steroid eye drops morning and night.

11/17/15

"We are the product of lives who have touched ours" President Hinckley Dr. Hansen, oncologist, was all kind and gentle and happy smiles when I met with him today. Took an hour and a half of waiting but finally got to see him just before I had to leave for a radiation appointment. He told me that the area in my spine that had showed up before was still there but the technician thought it was probably arthritis. So of course he wanted me to have an MRI to be sure. If they find that is true the cancer is will be downgraded to a 3. We are all excited about that but Dr. Hansen was very delighted that the chemo had actually worked - I know it wasn't the chemo. I honestly believe it was prayers of others, prayers on temple roles, and faith that made the difference. The quote from Pres. Hinckley states just how blessed and thankful I feel about having such Christlike friends. This automatic spelling feature is often not very helpful! So if this makes no sense you can be sure it's the spell checker! I can only wish that was the case. Sometimes I reread the post and find words substituted for the ones I used. That could be for the best! Four out of twenty eight radiation treatments are over! You just have to love the staff there; they are so kind and friendly. My body doesn't feel like this is going to be an easy five months though.

11/12/15

Just saying: "I feel sooo good"! It's been 8 months since I have felt this good. The radiation after two days has not been bad except when I started coughing and my body moved enough that they had to start all over. My mouth is so dry that I asked if they had anything to keep my mouth moist. Someone had a cough drop and gave it to me. Five minutes later I was coughing. They had told me to raise my fingers (which were holding bars behind my head) if there was any problem. Finally the doctor came in. "You are going to have to take this cough drop out of my mouth because it is making me cough." "Yes we know and we are going to have to start all over again." Needless to say, I was feeling pretty awesome since I couldn't move to get the cough drop out of my mouth by myself. Anyway all is well. The doctor says the first two weeks aren't too bad but the last three are exhausting. Sounds ok with me since you aren't sick. Except for the cow that was standing on my porch eating the straw from behind some cute scarecrows Sue had put there. Then there were the two sitting in my flower beds chewing their cuds just like they belonged there and a yard full of cows making themselves at home eating every green plant and tree in sight. That's why I have a BB gun and actually am becoming a pretty good shot! Tomorrow is our annual fall bull sale. The girls have been organizing the luncheon for 250 people since their mother is defunct!

11/8/15

THE REAL JOURNEY IS THE ONE THAT TAKES PLACE WITHIN US For me it is not the cancer journey that is important, but rather finding within myself the growth that should be a huge part of this journey. Much easier said than done! We all live with trials; many much worse than cancer. Without faith I would shrivel up and die - that's how strong I am not.... That is why I know how vital your prayers have been for me and my family. I was looking forward to going to Church today only to wake up early with a headache that soon became an all over ache. Don't know if it was a germ or just that I have been stressing my weakened body thinking since the cancer hadn't spread I should be 100% better. Eli is here with her family and it was the Primary Program. Since much of the Primary is made up of our grandchildren it would have been fun to go. Hadn't planned on having tattoos on my chest! As the radiation woman was doing the work up to begin radiation on Wednesday, she said,"By the way, I'm putting permanent tattoos on your chest." See I have grown - I didn't even bat an eye until I walked out and Scott asked why that circle and dot were on my chest. And there it was, just above my shirt neckline. Well what is makeup for anyway! And to think that Dr. Garvy wouldn't let me get my eyebrows permanently done because it was a form of tattoo that pierced the skin and would be dangerous for me. Just to have eyebrows would be nice but instead I have these circles with dots and arrows.

11/7/15

I am still in shock about the cancer not spreading- still wonder if they had the wrong scan or they will tell me something different when I see Dr. Hansen in another two weeks. To clarify - The cancer has not spread from where it was found. They did not get it all in that area but hope the radiation will do that. The important thing is to enjoy every day because none of us know when our time on earth is over. That became even more clear with Scott's incident up on the mountain. Thank Heaven he is still here! Shut in the house with no visitors or little kids messes is not the way I am going to live the rest of my life! Being careful about germs, etc, will probably be an issue through radiation but I can do that. Isn't it amazing how many things we don't know?? I couldn't figure out why the reading glasses weren't working. I knew my distance vision came and went but thought I needed stronger lenses. Finally got out to Sam's Club and used their test lenses, only to find the ones I was using were too strong! According to my dentist son-in-law, vision comes and goes with Dry Eye Syndrome. Just grateful it comes once in a while!! All in all, I am feeling much better. A bit startled at times by the bra and breast forms issues. Just so you know in case you ever need the info: breast forms run from $350 to $450 and up a piece. I'm surely not healed enough to wear them all day; they are heavy! Should be for that kind of money. But you can choose any size and more than one for different occasions... Could be a plus. I'm just going for the non-concave look!

11/5/15

Words cannot express how grateful I am tonight. Both Dr. Garvy and Dr. Hansen had said they were fairly sure the cancer had spread through the lymph nodes to other areas and would need to know where it is. The PET Scan would show where the cancer is. The radiation doctor was waiting for the results. So I was just hoping there would be fewer places so they could do the radiation. I waited all morning to call the office but obviously the stress was building. Around noon I called and the woman who answered the phone said the results were there and she would have the nurse call me back. I had been pleading all morning with the Lord to give me the strength to be strong enough to help my family accept what was coming. Finally around 4:00 the nurse called me back. Seeing the McKay Dee number, I steeled myself for the results. "Good news, the cancer has not spread - there are no signs of metastatic cancer." How could that be?? Did she have the wrong test? Did I hear her right? Or was this an absolute miracle? Of course I immediately started sobbing! I keep thinking this is a dream and I am going to wake up and realize it was just something I imagined. The only answer to all of this in my mind is that prayers have been answered in my behalf and it is indeed a miracle. That does not mean the road ahead will be easy but it will make it possible for me to continue with treatment. I am so very grateful! Thank you for your prayers, for putting my name on temple rolls, and for caring.

11/4/15

Life has settled down a bit today. Had a PET Scan this morning and saw the radiation oncologist. So I now have these cool circles with arrows tattooed on my chest and a body form so I can't move during the radiation process. Radiation beginning next Wed. depending on the results of the PET Scan. It helps a bit to know no matter what the results are, I know I have cancer already and will live with it the rest of my life. And that's okay because people do live with cancer. Just wish the whole thing was easier for my family. Scott is doing well. He is a bit wary of the times he feels dizzy so that is good. After the bull sale he will be monitored so we can find out what is going on with his health. We are all so grateful that he is still here and functioning!

11/3/15

I'm pooped! Sunday morning Alysha called me with desperation and tears in her voice, "Mom there has been an ambulance call out for a 66 year old man, possible heart attack at Exit 106. Mom, I think it's Dad!" I am so disgusted with this laptop erasing what I have written that this will be a much shorter version of the last couple of days than was just erased. Scott had gone up on the mountain with Chris, Cade and Jake to find and bring down the elk Cade shot the night before. Scott and Cade found the elk and Scott was gutting it when he started to get weaker and weaker and finally sat of the ground. He lost consciousness. They gave him a blessing, carried him down the mountain the ranger, seat belted him in as he laid with his head on Jake's lap. Meanwhile they had called Nate to come and help them. He called the ambulance when he arrived and could see that Scott needed more help than they could give him. Meanwhile Alysha and I had driven over, just sick, as you can imagine. Austin came down the mountain with the ambulance and stopped for me to get in. Scott still pretty much unresponsive. He was covered in blood from gutting the elk and stunk to high heaven (that's really a lot). About an hour after we got to the ER he started coming around. Testing revealed that he had not had a heart attack and everything else was good. He had been fasting since the day before and is hypoglycemic. When they got his heart beat it was 43. It would go up to 83 then fall back down. They wanted to keep him for observation for 24 hours so they could see what was happening. By then he was back to being himself - giving everyone a hard time! Me with my 1/2 long white frizzy hair, big dark circles under my eyes, and ghost face of no eyebrows or lashes never crossed my mind until I noticed people looking at me. Thanks to Callie and Gracie sending down my wig! What on earth would we ever do without family or faith? I felt comforted throughout the whole the experience with Scott. I'm so grateful for our EMT family members who knew just what to do. What a blessing to be surrounded by a loving family! So Scott spent the night in the hospital and I spent the night at home waking up every hour in a panic realizing to a very slight degree what my family and friends whose spouses had passed on must feel. Scott was released before noon on Monday. They felt the problem was his heart rate going high then dropping very low. Something that can be easily fixed by a pacemaker. After the bull sale next week they will do more testing. Megan didn't think he needed any more stress right now. He had just gotten home from the hospital when we had to go back to see Dr. Hansen. Alysha went with us - which was a very good thing considering I couldn't see and who knows what shape Scott was in!! Dr. Hansen just told us he was most concerned with two of the lymph nodes that a certain measurement of cancer was clumped together in. He had previously hoped that it was a Stage 3 cancer instead of a 4. But it isn't. He made appointments for me for a PET scan and an Echocardiogram and wanted me to begin radiation as soon as possible. He doesn't want to do more chemo but that depends on where the cancer has traveled. He does want me to begin the hormone blocker medication. We wlll just have to see what the results of that test are. On the lighter side of things, Alysha had drawn on some eyebrows and eyeliner for me. She thought that was a bit strange but when we went to the breast store it was a whole new level of strange for her and me. For me the strangest thing was having this woman standing in front of me putting different sizes of breast things in the pockets of the bra I had on and adjusting them so they looked even. Trying to decide if I really wanted a 7 - after all they do go up to a 14! mm

10/31/15

Should probably go trick r treating with the kids - certainly would not have to put anything strange on my head since I look like a ghoul already! It's been a pathetic few days but I am feeling better. Finally got my cell phone working, just in time to pull it of the cupboard with a towel into the sink where I was washing dishes. Talk about disgusting! Then out of frustration with myself I planted myself in the recliner for a nice Hallmark movie. Couldn't get the remote to work. Just then the phone rang and I realized I had been trying to turn on the TV with the phone. Then while the cows are out roaming I needed to have my ever ready BB gun ready to get them off the grass. But no, I couldn't get the gun to work only to find out later that it was on safety. Night time could not come soon enough. Bet you are thinking I am a has been! And it is so true.... It takes all of my mentality to get drops in my eyes every hour. One of the most challenging things is trying to do something that looks semi-normal with my chest. These breast poofs made out of fiber fill are just difficult to make look the same! The "real" breast prosthetics will be better but too sore for those yet. What a beautiful fall day it has been. There may be ugly things going on around us but we are so blessed to know this life is just a short time in an eternal perspective. I know that leaving our bodies here and moving on is a natural thing for all of us but it is much more real and painful when you face your own mortality or that of a loved one. Guess that's why we need to live every day as if it were our last day on earth!

10/29/15

Went to the eye doctor today and can barely see what I am typing. That's certainly a change for the better - not! He did say I had moderate to severe dry eye syndrome. I am so grateful that it is something that can be treated. Eye drops every hour that you are awake. He says it takes months to rehydrate and then they can determine what my vision really is. My eyes are less painful but everything is a bit fuzzy now. with a mind like mine I figure I need a new calendar just to remember all of the medicines I have. Today they called from the eye place and asked me to bring all medications I am taking - after filling 3 gallon bags with medicine bottles I stuffed them all in a big bag. Scott asked if I needed to borrow a truck. How rude! He just feels bad that he doesn't have any medicines that he has to take every hour of the day..... Grateful for another day. What blessings I have been given!

10/26/15

Why is it that when you are busy exercising one fly can't seem to find anywhere in the entire room to land but on your face?? Of course these exercises are done lying on the bed stretching your arms so they will function normally again. We're getting there!! It has been a few days of not blogging but I'm just a slacker. Saw the surgeon this morning and she said it would be two more weeks before she would release me for radiation. Which works out well since I will probably get started on the chemo next week. It must be easier chemo to deal with since it is a lifelong treatment. No wonder Dr. Garvy told me to go ahead and do anything I want to do - she knew I wouldn't feel like doing much! But she also said my body would be a wreck with all it has gone through. That's funny because it was a wreck before we even started with cancer... The weird thing is that anything that lightly touches your chest, above the surgical area, hurts; but you can put more pressure against it and it doesn't hurt at all. Every day I am so grateful to have family and friends that support and pray for us! When I pray for strength to make it through difficult times, I know that strength comes from your prayers for me and my family. Thank you so much!

10/21/15

I'm pooped - it's difficult to spend the day in a recliner with your arms and your feet propped up! Actually it has been a pretty good day. The physical therapy yesterday has left me with more chest pain but I know that will feel better fairly soon. When I look at myself in the mirror I think they should call it a massacre not a mastectomy! But then a massacre takes lives instead of saving them. Isn't it amazing how your life can change so dramatically? I know that learning from those changes is our purpose here. Each of our trials are different but all are challenging!

10/23/15

So I am doing great - as long as I don't put my arms close to my swollen sides. Chest pain is decreasing! Probably just in time to start radiation and chemo. Came across this sign that reminds me why we are given trials: IN SCHOOL YOU'RE TAUGHT A LESSON AND THEN GIVEN A TEST IN LIFE YOU'RE GIVEN A TEST THAT TEACHES YOU A LESSON One thing I have learned is how wonderful it is to be surrounded by family and friends who are so kind and thoughtful. That is something I have always appreciated but this is a whole new level of gratitude!

10/19/15

You know how you have heard if you breast feed it helps with protecting you from breast cancer. So naturally I thought that having nursed six babies for a year a piece would be helpful. But no. My cancer actually started in the milk ducts and grew out into the skin. Aggressive Lobular carcinoma they say. Since they don't know where it may have gone through the lymph system it is kind of like starting over but from a less positive perspective. We just go on from here knowing that doctors don't know everything!! I have appointments with the oncologist and the radiation oncologist in two weeks. Dr. Garvey says I have to look much better before she would consider turning me over to the other doctors. How could she say such a thing - haha! She thinks six months of harsh chemo and major surgery have taken a toll on my body. At least that made me feel better about what a wuss I am. She drained fluid from my chest and said she would probably do that three to five more times. Scott wanted me to ask her if she would keep the drain tubing and bottle. I forgot, of course, until she had thrown it in the garbage. She did get it out and wash it off; then put it into a bag for him. After all that, and she really was grossed out, he just wanted to look at it. She said the contents of the bag were equivalent to poop. Those were her very words! Wouldn't that be great addition to our spook alley? No one but me thought so however. There are so many good things in my life - they are my reality so cancer will just have to take a back seat.

10/15/15

Finally getting back to blogging. The problem is there is swelling in my arms and under my arms down my sides so I can't hold my arms close to my side to type. Good excuse huh. I feel like putting a broomstick through my sleeves to keep my arms up - like a scarecrow in a corn patch. Only I am scarier looking !! Eli drove from Farmington NM with her kids today. Scott and I were trying to decide how to make what I look like not be so shocking to them. They haven't been here since my white fuzzy hair started growing and my eye brows and eyelashes disappeared. Didn't want to scare them.. So put on my wig and Scott was amazing at making the kids comfortable with my white fuzz head verses the brown wig. Love having them here. It makes life seem more normal! It has been so quiet at our house for the past eight months. So here the problem - one of many. To avoid swelling in my head, I need to elevate my head. Which isn't difficult. Also my arms and chest need to be elevated to avoid fluid build up. I had no idea the removal of lymph nodes caused so many problems. Because of a bad vein in my leg that has previously cased foot ulcers, it also needs to be elevated above my heart. You get the picture. Looks to me like everything must puddle in the rear end area. Then Scott finds the ice cream in the fridge instead of the freezer and his favorite knife, which we had looked for for an hour, showed up in the garage where I had taken it to open a case of water and of course forgotten all about it. I don't know if it has to do with the sleeping medicine, chemo, or if I'm just going crazy. That's why I really am hesitant to go to Ogden by myself - maybe even Morgan. But in spite of every little thing I am so grateful to know this life is just a small part of our existence and our Father in Heaven always has our backs.

10/11/15

Just because our prayers are not answered the way we hope doesn't mean they are not being answered by someone who knows far more about our lives than we do. This time I know that more clearly than I have in the past. We all go through experiences that pull us closer to that understanding or we let it push us away thinking God does not care about us anyway. I am so grateful to know that when we hit rock bottom there is someone to turn to that I know has the power to help us grow and learn through the difficult experiences we all have on this earth. Just saying it like it is - this radical mastectomy stuff is miserable. I had dropped most of my pain medication thinking the surgery sites should be better. All I can say is that is far from true!

10/9/15

So, Alysha came to check on me this morning and decided I needed some eyebrows. It's not for lack of trying but I just couldn't decide where it should be. Alysha wanted to do angry brows but what we ended up with looked like one question mark and the other a slash of too dark brown. After half and hour of laughing and decision making we finally agreed on one. So next came the eyelashes. I do have three of my own! My eyes look sicker than I really am, so if am going to live the rest of my life in treatment I'm going to be using a lot of fake stuff! Who would have thought that breast "poofs" would be so hard to figure out?? I do know how really unimportant this stuff is but if it gives us something to laugh about, I'm all for it. Between my hormonal emotional ups and downs and the non existent breast issues I feel like I've just had a baby. Great right? Dr. Garvey says that's normal because the cells left on the chest wall can't figure out what happened to the rest of them. Me either! I am fine so please don't worry about me. I have been so blessed. Melia sent me this post: If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail Love it! Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there

10/8/15

This has been an emotional day even though I felt it would turn out this way. My appointment with Dr. Garvey, my surgeon, was this afternoon. Don't know what was going on but the office people were rapidly going in and out of the surgeons offices with this panicked look on their faces. Then the security man showed up and escorted two women and a child out of the offices with the woman yelling about calling the cops while much of the staff was surrounding the women and trying to get them out of the building. All in all it was a good diversion. So they did find that there were actually three different types of cancer in the breast they thought had one kind. Also they found that five of nine lymph nodes had cancer cells. Because the cancer in the nodes was not killed by the chemo and could have spread Dr. Garvey and Dr. Hansen will meet and come up with another plan of treatment. Dr. Garvey feels that the radiation needs to begin as soon as my body recovers from the surgery. She thought that I would probably be doing radiation and chemo at the same time. Doesn't sound like much fun but she encouraged me to do whatever I fill like doing. I know that we never would have found the other two cancers until it was too late if the visible inflammatory cancer hadn't appeared. I know that there are things that I need to learn and do. I believe that God is in charge and I am so grateful for His tremendous blessings in my. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you, Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid." This scripture found in Luke has lifted me up when I was so frightened. Faith and fear cannot reside together at the same time so I choose FAITH. Know that we love and appreciate all of you who read this blog, who have supported all of our family through words, cards, flowers, meals and prayers. Thank you!

10/7/15

It almost feels like a normal day of what life used to be - and that's great! Even put some mascara on the two eyelashes I have left so my face doesn't look like a death mask! Life is so full of joy if you ignore that is going on in the world that is.. Waiting for Scott to come home and drain my three lovely bottles that contain blood and who knows what! I would do it myself but heaven only knows if I would get the right tube to the right bottle and drain it into the right container to measure, and then record the right amount totals. Do you think this is a permanent condition? Sure hope not cause Scott will have to lead me around with a leash. I have always felt I'm not very competent but now I know I am totally incompetent! Keep waiting for the chemo side effects to go away but they are very loyal to the misery cause. Now it feels like 50 lb breasts pulling down, stinging and sending sharp pains that you would swear there was something there besides two very long incisions. The great thing is it will heal!! I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and she should have the results of the lymph node biopsies. What an experience this is that will allow me to understand and help someone else. It's been such a beautiful day!

10/5/15

Who would think that having two mastectomies would be such a relief! That is if I can ever figure out how to make the breast forms fit in those pouches. Tried to call my sister to see which side went in first. All in all, I don't think I got it right but I've got lots of time to practice. I'm so grateful to know that even though I may have to live on cancer drugs at least I will never have to have another mastectomy. ( I don't know how to do a smiley face on the blog or you would see one) So in the recovery room the nurse told us to sleep with my head elevated. Neither Scott, Alysha, nor I know why that was or how long it was to be. I've been sleeping almost sitting up for about a week now and don't know why and it is not comfortable for someone who generally sleeps on her side! But tonight one pillow is going...

10/4/15

Another few days gone bye. I am feeling more like a living, breathing, but sore, person. Sharp stinging pain feels quite a bit like the chemo systemic pains I've had four the last four months of Taxol. I am so grateful for the health I have! Although I hear it's pretty miserable when they pull the tubes out, having them gone would solve many problems. It is difficult to think you are healthy with 24" tubes hanging out of your body with grenade looking bottles connected to the ends and filling up with blood. Was that gross? I love grossing out my kids!! There has got to be something fun about this whole thing... On a Conference Sunday I'm so grateful for the help we received in strengthening ourselves during these turbulent and lawless times.

10/2/15

From the flowers on my kitchen table you would probably assume I had died - but no - I'm still here. So relieved that the surgeries are over! If I could have I would have jumped off the table with joy when I came out of the anesthesia. The doctor had talked to Scott and Alysha then left. She said everything had gone well. She had taken 20 lymph nodes that would be sent away to check them for cancer. I'm so grateful for the peace of mind the gospel brings to us through priesthood blessings and prayers. Of course I knew I would look different but going from looking large busted to seven months pregnant is a bit of a shock. Merely because of these grenade looking things that are connected to tubes that are draining blood and stuff from inside my chest. Two on one side and one on the other. Scott had been wonderful. Draining, measuring, and keeping track of amounts of liquid and making sure I have medicine on time is a bit of an ugly job. I am so grateful for him and my family and friends who care for us and pray for us. I think the body pain with the chemo has helped me because it is used to having pains in different places. My chest looks like a massacre has taken place - not difficult to identify me if I wander off somewhere. There are so many women who go through breast cancer surgery, I have such a reverence for them. Here it is Friday and to think I thought that Tuesday would never come. I have been blessed beyond belief. Usually the unknown is worse than the event itself and that's how this surgery, so far, has been. It just reminds me that we need to find joy in every day; to look for the good around us because life can change at any minute for anyone of us.

9/27/15

Having spent most of the day listening to talks by Elder Scott I realize again that it isn't the numbers of years we live but rather how we live the years we are given. I always feel so inadequate and pledge to do better but usually fall back into the same old habits. Then I take hope in this quote by Elder Holland: "God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are willing to go." Only today and tomorrow until surgery. I know the outcome may be good or bad but whichever it is will be God's plan and He will help us through it.

9/26/15

On a middle of the night trip, the only one thank goodness, to work at the cannery in Ogden Camille Wilde showed up with rollers in her hair and a list of the top 10 reasons we should be doing the midnight to four am shift. By the time we got to the cannery we were laughing so hard we could barely get out of the car! I know they thought we were a bunch of crazy old women but it was the most fun I've had at the cannery! It was shortly after that trip that I was back there again stacking and checking the cans that were coming off the lid sealer conveyor contraption where the cans went around on about three levels before dropping off to my job. The manager carefully explained how to inspect and stack the cans on the conveyor belt in front of me. He said, "Do you see this red button? That's for when there is a problem with the cans." So I was doing a great job until some of the cans came through that weren't labeled right. I tried to ask the people around me if I should push the button. The two workers across from me said I probably should. Meanwhile cans are coming around on the conveyer and dropping before I could put them where they should be. So I reached over and pushed the red button. In horror I watched as the cans on the lid conveyor belt were smashing into each other forcing the contents to spew out all over the place. I don't know which was more shocking - the food spraying all over, the deafening blasting of the alarm, or the red-faced manager who came running out of his office screaming "Who is responsible for this?" I didn't see any of those people who told me I should push the button. They had just vanished! I told him that I was the one who pushed the button. He must have yelled at me for a good/bad five minutes. Was I ever feeling like the idiot he said I was! They had to shut down the whole assembly line. And to think it looked like such a simple job! You guessed it - I didn't go back for some time for fear they would recognize me and kick me out. Today has been an aching day. Following Camille's example, I figured there must be ten top reasons to have a modified radical mastectomy: (If you are a male you might want to stop reading here) Could only come up with eight appropriate reasons. 1. Makes you appreciate a normal, less painful mastectomy on the other side 2. No more irritating bouncing 3. No more cleavage that you have to try to cover 4. No more built in shelf that catches anything you spill 5. No more worries about breast size - now I can change that at will 6. No more worrying about getting breast cancer-I already have it 7. No more painful, embarrassing mammograms which didn't pick up the cancer anyway 8. No more panicking about things that don't really matter

9/23/15

Isn't it great to have the Pope here! When I think how special it is for me to see and hear from our Church leaders I am so happy for the Catholics who get to see and be in the presence of their beloved leader. It has been an introspective few days as the surgery I was so anxious to have is coming up soon. Waiting to see which side effects of the chemo will actually go away and am grateful that six months of that is over. Will I be able to remember where my cell phone is? It is always lost! A post on Facebook: Sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything, or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel that we are cared for and supported. Today I had the privilege of "friend sitting" a very sick, cancer riddled friend. What a battle she has fought for years with different cancers and treatments! She is always in pain but rarely complains. I have learned so much from her about enduring to the end with grace.

9/18/15

So Dr. Garvey okayed my surgery on the 29th of this month. That is just a week and a half away! So setting up all of appointments for pre-op, radiation, etc. Reading up on modified radical mastectomies makes me realize I could not go through this cancer stuff without faith in God. Each day when I put on my wig and look in the mirror I have thought there was something familiar about the look. Figured out what it is - the Donald Trump hair syndrome. Then the cap came off one of my many capped teeth. What hair I have looks like white fuzzy sheep wool. When I tried to pencil in some eyebrows I couldn't even tell where they used to be. I don't see well and my eyes are always red and tired looking. Now I am not complaining because I know how precious life is and these things will change but I do feel badly for Scott and anyone else who has to look at me!

9/16/15

. Wonderful news today from Dr. Garvey's assistant I called to ask who notified Medicare. Before I hung up she had scheduled an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Garvey and set up the bilateral mastectomy for Sept 29. What a miracle! Thank you for your continued prayers. Of course after hanging up it hit me, "wow, now I'm a bit scared". But then I have never been known for my bravery...

9/15/15

Hallelujah!! Dr. Hansen says he feels the cancer has pulled away from the pectoral muscle and I'm good to go. It strikes me a bit strange to be excited to have surgery - but I am. That will be the second of the four steps of treatment. Getting to this point seemed like it would be years when Dr. Garvey said to set aside a year for the different stages of treating this inflammatory breast cancer. What a blessing to have the chemo over and having it work enough to go on with next step. I am so grateful!

9/12/15

Well I had decided to get up early and go to Sam's Club. No one is there between 7:00 and 8:00 am. Imposing on everyone else to shop for me for six months now, even though they never complain, must be getting old for them! I thought shopping for myself would be a welcome break for all of us. And it was for about half an hour. Soon after that it wasn't me pushing the cart - it was the cart pulling me! Probably should have known it was going to be that kind of a day when I decided to put on some makeup so people wouldn't think I was dying and couldn't find more than five eyelashes total to put mascara on. And that didn't help much as the cashier reminded me a couple of times to "be careful and drive safely" as she saw me drooping over the cart. Just had to laugh! One more treatment next week and I should be ready for surgery in October. Maybe that will be my birthday present! My sister, who has had a bilateral mastectomy, just had open heart surgery. Her first barely coherent words to me were "boobs are a piece of cake". We all love her and hope she will be up and around - without pain - soon!

9/10/16

It was such a good day until night time when I looked in the mirror. I'm surprised Scott still loves me! Got to hold little Emie yesterday; what a beautiful baby she is! Today has not been bad. My sister underwent open heart surgery yesterday and is in so much pain today. It's difficult not to be there with her but I know she has a great caretaker. In my pathetic mind is the idea that it is still April and I am waiting for fall to come. Guess that was when life dramatically changed for me and my mind hasn't moved on. Of course that shouldn't surprise anyone because my mind doesn't move at all! Except it is full of gratitude for the many blessings the Lord has given me. What does one do without family, friends, and faith?

9/8/16

I do have an excuse for not writing for a while, maybe not a good one though. It was time to have a physical so I could renew my meds. Personally you just have to wonder if all of the cancer tests shouldn't count as a physical!! I had wanted to talk to Dr. Obrien though since I haven't seen her since the before the inflammatory breast cancer. The visit was good but then they called back with their test results which weren't so good. My liver and kidney functions were low so I shouldn't take Ibuprofen Tylenol or any pain meds. Well Ibuprofen has been a lifesaver for me so that was a frustrating development. I know I am a wimp- so after three days of aching and being miserable and spending most of the day and night in bed I decided to take two 200mgs when the aching was the worst. I know how serious this cancer is and there is no reason to worry about taking a small amount of Ibuprofen. So today at treatment Dr. Hansen's office they ran the same kidney and liver tests. Good news!! The counts were better. Don't know if it was because one test was done after fasting and the other one wasn't or if it was just a tremendous blessing. I'm sure about the blessing part of it - not so sure about the fasting results. Melia went with me for the infusion today. It was so nice to have her with me. My sister, Dede, has spent much time with me. She found out last week that her heart wasn't good and is in the hospital for open heart bypass surgery tomorrow. We all love her and pray that it will be a successful surgery and a good recovery. "Don't get caught up in the thick of thin things" What are the thin things in my life? That is probably one of the lessons I need to learn through this experience. Thank you for your prayers. They make such a difference in my life!

9/2/2015

Another treatment crossed off the calendar- only two more if they stay with the original plan. I think Dr. Hansen was a little disappointed that this last chemo hasn't worked as well as the first ones did. When he looks at you with that serious and calculating expression, it is a little scary. But he did say he thought they could do the surgery as planned. (At least I won't have to worry about my hair!) We'll see what Dr. Garvey, the surgeon, has to say in a week or so. The weeks go by so quickly. I can't believe that it has already been six months. Talked to Dr. Garvy's PA today. She said the oncologist is the one who tells the surgeon when you are ready for the surgery - which is good news because Dr. Hansen is more positive about the surgery. Set up an appointment with Dr. Garvy on October 1 to schedule a surgery date. I'm praying she will find the cancer has receded enough to do the surgery. Although life with cancer can be consuming, yesterday was such a great day with the birth of Joe and Hannah's beautiful little baby girl!

8/30/2015

Life really may get back to normal - went to Sacrament Meeting - ten minutes late and left ten minutes early. First time for over five months. Didn't know my grandson was speaking but got to listen to him. One thing I have recognized in myself is the constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I have to remind myself constantly that I am just being paranoid but I know how quickly your life can change. It makes it more difficult not to worry about those I love and actually, everybody else! For the past three or four months our dish remote has not shut off and you couldn't turn up or down the volume. I tried to call Dish but couldn't get through. On the left hand side of the TV I had put a sign Jamie gave me up in front of the bottom of the TV. It dawned on me that maybe the remote was covering the remote access on the TV. Sure enough, moved the sign and the remote worked. So glad I didn't get through to Dish!

8/28/2015

It's almost September - who would have thought five months of chemo would pass so quickly! Three more treatments before they evaluate the success of the treatments. Hopefully it will have receded enough for them to do the surgery. The only thing I know for sure is we have a loving Father in Heaven who is in charge. His plan may be completely different than I would choose but I am confident He knows what, in the long run, will be best for me and my family. I have been so blessed. These last three days have been good for me. In fact last night watching the news my eyes actually watered a little bit. (Of course it could have been just how bad things are all around us). It has been so long since that has happened it was almost shocking but sure was a welcome relief to my dry, dry, eyes. Cutting my nails short has helped with the finger tenderness. So all-in-all I should feel good for the next few days. I am so grateful for the prayers and many acts of kindness that have been such a blessing in my life.

8/25/2015

When I wait until night to blog I am too tired, or fingers too sore, or can't see very well, etc. So I am starting early tonight. It certainly is nice not to be going for chemo this week. I would never have thought that your fingernails could hurt! I'm just learning all kinds of things that I never really wanted to know. You know when you read in the obituaries about people who have fought a valiant fight against cancer, I have thought it was more a matter of endurance. The more I see people fighting to stay alive for their young families, or go through all kinds of torture to live longer for those they love, the more I understand what being valiant in those obits means. The important thing for me is knowing this lifetime will one day be just a moment in time. We have the opportunity to make that moment a learning and growing experience. The things that mean the most to me here are the things that are eternal - so grateful for that knowledge.. The sad thing is even knowing that I still fall so short of who I should be. And isn't that a pleasant thought to end this blog on?! Thank heavens for the atonement.

8/20/2015

After two frustrating hours of looking for my phone and finding it in my pocket, I decided I'm a pretty lost cause! Yes I did try to call my cell phone but it went right to the voice mail. Probably wouldn't have found it till bedtime if I hadn't bumped against the door and realized there was something hard in my pocket.. It's been a couple of normal chemo days. Fatigue and aching, sore fingers, dry eyes, nose, and mouth. I am so grateful just to have these side effects. My little girls were here playing Candyland with me. Brynlee sat across the table staring at me and finally said, "Grandma, I think you had better go get your hair!" She was so serious it just cracked me up. What a blessing having these grandchildren near is.

8/18/2015

Just too tired! One of my all-time dislikes is trying to open those stuck together garbage can liners .. Of course they are the cheapest ones because Scott picked them up and he doesn't have to open them. But where was he when I needed a bag opened? The ones in the produce section of the grocery are frustrating to me! I guess I just have a bag opening deficiency I am doing something wrong in these blogs but of course I can't figure out what it is. This week I lost a blog. It could be that I wait until night when my mind is even worse than usual! These days I can't seem to find anything - it's a good thing body parts are attached. Sister Anderson took me to chemo today so we had a great visit before she leaves on her mission. Every time someone shares their cancer story I realize how truly blessed I am. The mornings have been good for me, by noon I'm headed downhill and by night my body is pretty miserable. That is all going to end soon though. The last five months have passed so quickly. Here's hoping the next five zoom by!

8/12/2015

Just checked to see when I had written last and was stunned at how much different it was from the page I had actually written. Now I know your probably saying "Oh sure!". But it is true... After a rather depressing treatment on Tuesday I realized that each day is a gift and we need to find joy everyday. I have been so blessed in this life. Who could not find joy when they are surrounded by family and friends? Except when your adult sons are out shooting bats at dusk and it sounds like a war zone. And there is the comfort of never waking up with messy hair. I am tired of leaving the house with my pants on backwards and I can't figure out why they don't fit!

8/9/2016

Sunday again... It seems not long ago, in the Dominican Republic, that Sunday was a 12 hour day of gathering up our little family for church then teaching music the rest of the day. What I would have given then to have Sunday as a day of rest and now here I am - every day is a day of rest and it's not nearly as fun as I thought it would be. Guess we figured out where Joe and Hannah's little Owen got his white hair when I took off my wig and Scott laughed and laughed because I have this fuzzy white hair growing where the colored brown hair used to be. I thought it would come in gray, but really - white? It's been a couple days of fatigue and aching but today has been much better. I miss going to Church and seeing my friends. They announced today they would be forming another ward in our Stake. We have an amazing ward so that makes it sad to think of change. In these days of uncertainty I do know that a kind, and loving Father in Heaven is in charge. Love this card I received from a friend: You may not know exactly where the road is leading Or what the days may bring or how you'll manage them But there is one thing you can know for sure You'll always have the help and support of people who care People like me I have certainly had that help and support from so many people - so much more than I deserve. If you are reading this blog, thank you for your love and support.

8/7/2015

Looks like I lost at least one post somewhere in my confused state of mind! (That is a fairly common state of mind for me) Before my chemo we stopped at a post-mastectomy store. Now that was one weird experience. Checking out breast forms, bras with pockets, bras with bags that hold the drainage bottles- all in all it was a stark reality check for me.. Following that fun experience went for an infusion. Last week they left me a beautiful heart shaped purple bruise below the port, I had called to see if that was ok and they said it was. DeDe took me down and when the nurse came in to start the shots before the infusion she immediately called the head nurse. After pushing and feeling all the bruised area they decided someone had nicked a small blood vessel last time. Funny thing was the girl they called in to have her inspect it was the one that gave me the medication last time She spent a lot of time making sure the needle was in the right place this time. It was a depressing experience in the little infusion room. One of the women was deathly sick and another just very sick. However some bakery had brought lunch to the office and they hadn't eaten all of the sandwiches so they passed them around the room to those who weren't too sick to eat. Felt guilt and sadness eating while others in the room were so ill. So now I am just back to fatigue and aching. Five more treatments to go!

7/30/2015

Well this morning my plants needed to be watered. I have those planters that water from the bottom and one of them has not flourished like the others. Even worse it reeked like something was rotten. With my chemo brain and body I couldn't quite figure out or have the energy to investigate. Felt good this morning so got the shovel and pulled out the plants and shoveled out most of the soil. To be fair - it is big and heavy when there is water in it. So finally got most of the dirt out and started across the yard with the pot half full of stinking rotten water only to feel my levis slipping down. Tried to take another step and tripped on my falling down pants. What to do?? I let go of the pot in order to pull up my pants and ended up covered with the stinky, murky water from the pot. Just so glad none of the neighbors were outside! They already think I'm crazy..... Starting to get blisters on my hands and feet. I'm wondering just how many body parts chemo can effect. My ears - the only ones! But then I actually think I can hear better than I used to. Sometimes that's a good thing!

7/28/2015

Just when I thought my body was getting used to this new chemo, my hands and lips started to feel swollen and very tender. I keep expecting to look in the mirror and see one of those plastic surgery gone wrong faces! But the reality is neither my fingers or lips look much different. Just feel weird... What a difference it makes to me to know that this life has purpose for all of us. We can learn very valuable lessons in the not-so-fun times in our lives that make us better people. When the phone rang I picked up the book under the phone " I Will Not Leave You Comfortless". Opened it and right before my eyes was written what I wanted to say. A quote from Elder Joseph Wirthlin: " While every man and woman...has experienced an abundant measure of joy, each also has drunk deeply from the cup of sorrow, disappointment, and loss. The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness...Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others."

7/26/2015

Today and yesterday has been a reminder that chemo is nasty! This is the first time my fingers have been sore and tender but the aching and tingling sensations are rampant everywhere in this dilapidated body. Just two more months of chemo! I don't know what is scarier - the known of the chemo or the unknown of the surgery and the radiation. I am so grateful to know that there are better days ahead. So grateful for the blessings that have been part of my treatment!

7/24/2015

So I am really seeing what "chemo brain" really is! And to think I thought my mind couldn't be much worse... Mid sentence I forget what I'm talking about. The only thing that is better is my sense of smell- which is driving me crazy because I always think I smell something burning or some other odor that no one can smell but me. It has been a good couple of days. If I let myself I could lay down and sleep most of the day. ---- No treatment this coming week.

7/20/2015

My sister says IBC (inflammatory breast cancer) is usually a younger woman's disease. So should I be flattered that cancer chose me - old as I am? I just hope that my getting IBC means some other younger woman won't get it. But life just isn't fair in that way. Probably one of my most used phrases while my children were growing up was "life just isn't fair" when they would complain about something not being fair. There wasn't much time to ponder then. But now I believe that the things that happen in our lives truly have purpose and are more than fair because they allow us to grow in ways we would not have chosen ourselves. Tomorrow is treatment day - the last one this month! I have felt good and expect this week to be ok also.

7/19/2015

Sundays come around round so quickly! It is not much fun being alone on the ranch while everyone else is at church. Will be glad to get back to church and our ward family - such wonderful friends. Cancer is a whole new mind set but not unlike many serious health problems. Some days I just want to make it though the day and other days I want to live each day with joy. Enduring to the end has taken on a much broader meaning of how illness and old age add to that' enduring' word. I have been so blessed not to be deathly ill with the chemo. After all there is nothing weird about waking up at 9:00 am and being dead tired by 10:30 am. How grateful I am to have the gospel as the foundation of my life and the lives of my family. To know that there is purpose in this life makes whatever we are going through meaningful.

7/17/2015

Did you know: adults with no hair can get cradle cap (a condition usually associated with babies)? When I finally realized what that spot on my scalp was and that I needed not just to wash my head but brush my scalp thoroughly every day - I just had to laugh. I still think I am a little old for cradle cap though!! Had my second treatment for the month on Tuesday and have felt much better than the last treatment. Never thought those first three months of chemo would end; now I can actually see the end of these treatments. How grateful I am for the scriptures teaching us to Have Faith, Not Fear. As the next stage of treatment comes along with some trepidation on my part, I know that having faith rather than fear will be such a blessing to me. I haven never been so aware of and amazed by the courage other people have in dealing with life's adversities.

7/12/2015

Just sitting here thinking about what a wonderful life we have here on the ranch (or the compound) as it is often referred to) Looking out the window Friday afternoon I saw this streak of blue running toward the house. On further investigation I realized it was Melia's little Sadie in her princess dress (one of many) running back to her house. She must have had a tball game because she rarely moves that fast! To be able to watch the kids kayaking in the water at the Pit and various other activities on the ranch is such a blessing to me. There is so much love and support here - we are very blessed! I am very grateful for our kids and how, despite their busy lives, always find time to check on me. I am feeling good and ready to get another treatment over this week. Only two and a half more months of chemo. I have developed a great respect for people who live their lives on chemo! Thank you so much for your prayers - what a difference they have made in my treatment!

7/10/2015

The three weeks on and one week off was a welcome relief! Actually felt pretty good by the end of the week off. Then during the infusion this week I sat by two women who were always nauseated by the infusion and knew they were going home to spend a week or more throwing up. I am always amazed at the strength of the patients in the infusion room - their stories, their treatments, their will to live. To really live, not just survive through the time they have left. I have been so tired this week. Must be because I am working so hard- NOT! Two more treatments this month then just two more months of treatment and hopefully that will be the end of the chemo. Surgery and radiation doesn't sound like much fun either. It has been great to spend more time with my precious grandchildren!

7/5/2015

How great it is to be an American citizen! It was so great to spend some time with our family at the Pit and at a barbeque at Jake's. What a blessing this family is to me and to each other. I'm just grateful my eyes open by themselves in the morning! And to have found a lip balm that really helps my peeling lips as well as a much less sore mouth and no body aches - It's a wonderful day!

7/3/2015

After a wig -raising cow chase on the ranger with my husband I realized my wig is not going to be blown off anytime soon and after going through three months of chemo I am not ready to die!! We started off with such a calm beautiful ride. Then found some of the cows were on the golf course and that quite ride quickly turned into a race with those crazy black cows. Scott thought I was screaming (which could have been true)so he was yelling over the roar of the ranger for me to quit screaming while he driving wildly through the three foot weeds, up the golf course hill, and through the fields. Which made me realize that although over the years Scott and I have told each other we would really rather die quickly in an accident than linger with some debilitating illness- I certainly don't want to die being scared to death! And so I am happy to be at home while he found a better cow chasing companion. I'm just guessing he's not going to take me again. Thank Heavens! It has been a good day. Not even any aching today. My lips are peeling- which reminds me of our mission because they peeled for three months in the Dominican Republic. Didn't have the mouth and throat sores that I have now though. You know what is so awesome is knowing that we are all brothers and sisters and children of a father and mother in Heaven who loves us. I believe that we all promised to help each other return to them. I have been the recipient of so much love and compassion that my testimony of that promise has been solidified even more.

6/30/2015

The last two days have not been much fun - as if any of this was fun! Burning sensations, mouth blisters, etc. etc.. But you know what, all of us have bad days so I'm not complaining. I am grateful to be as well as I am and very grateful not to be outside working in this dreadful heat.

6/28/2015

This is what happens when you stay home from church: By noon I was feeling the burning sensation in different parts of my body; mouth sores and achiness all over so made it to the futon in the office before collapsing on the bed. What a welcome relief it was just to stretch out. I was in that state beween sleep and wakefulness when I suddenly hear this kind of scratcy sound on the pillow under my head. In seconds I had jumped up knowing in my grogy mind that a mouse was about to run across my face! My heart was pounding as I looked around the room and pulled the pillow and covers off the futon. No sign of a rodent of any kind. It was so real to me that I still don't know where the truth lies! Will be so happy to be back in church on Sundays. Somedays it's a matter of counting the hours until nighttime so you know another day will be over - other days you can work most of the day - or at least the morning. I am just gateful to be as well as I am! It is a blessing not to have to be out in the hot sun. And what a blessing it is to be surrounded by a loving, caring family and wonderful friends. I am so very blessed! And I won't be sleeping on the futon for a very long time!

6/26/2015

Such a fun day! Actually did something normal - decided on the days I feel up to it to have one grandchild at a time come spend some time with me. I have missed them so. (Can't figure out how to fix the spacing) e Keira and Kimber drew names from a basket to put them in order. So Kimber and Keira decided to come together so they both could come twice. I am a litte paranoid about germs but with lots of disinfectant we should be fine. Who knew how tiring playing Candyland and FiveCrowns could be, but so much fun to spend time with my granddaughters. Mornings have been good for me - afternoons not so good. Just all over aching.

6/25/2015

Halleluiah - my chemo is half over and I get a week off next week! I have been Reading Carlfred Broderick's book on the uses of adversity where he states "The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is a resource in event of pain." So true for all of us as we struggle through life's many challenges. Speaking of challenges, I was outside watering with Keira, Miya, and Kimber when Lance. Ethan, and Jared rode up on their bikes. Instantly, and almost in unison I hear, "Grandma, did you know you have your pants on backwards?" No wonder I couldn't find the pocket in the back to put my phone in! To be fair, they don't have a zipper button closure. Do you think they have a treatment for chemo brain? I'm just not sure which is chemo brain and which is Kathy brain. I am doing well in the mornings then start aching in the afternoons. It is great to have that time in the morning to get some things done. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, cards and food - I know they have made such a difference in my life.

6/21/2015

I am grateful for the passing of time. It was just Mother's Day and here it is Father's Day! Halfway through chemo - sometimes it seems to be the only life that is familiar anymore. This new drug is very different from the first two. In the past there was a week of not feeling great then the next week of feeling fairly good. With this one I have felt good for the first few days then the aching starts and lasts to the next treatment. These are every week for three weeks then a week off. I am looking forward to that week off. Who knew there were so many places in your body that could ache for no reason. The good thing is changing your position often alleviates the ache. What a learning experience this is for me! An appointment with my surgeon this week was good as she sees the cancer shrinking. We discussed surgical options but much depends on the next three months of chemo. At least this time I was prepared for what she had to say. Last time I went in for a mammogram and came out having been diagnosed with a very invasive breast cancer. Knew it couldn't be much worse than that!

6/17/2015

Low blood pressure a problem for me? Since I was thirty I have had to take medication for high blood pressure so when mine wen down to 98//60 I could hardly move my body. So the week consisted mostly of going from the recliner to the couch then to the bed. Adjusting to the new chemo wasn't great either. So when I went in yesterday for another treatment I was a bit nervous. The DR was surprised that it had been a rough week until he realized my blood pressure, which has been steadily going down, was a low as it was. All in all it was a solemn day at the infusion center as I was one of the last patients that day so talked quite a bit with the nurses. I don't know if that was a good thing to have to face the realities of IBC cancer again, but I did get some questions answered. It did get me thinking about the things I want to have ready to leave for my kids before I move on. Needless to say that was emotional! Cried my self to sleep. Pretty pathetic huh..... Must have needed that outlet of tears because I feel so much better today. Have been on top of the medications and so far have felt good. I just know it is going to be a better week than last week! Thank you all for your prayers.

6/14/2015

This hasn't been such a fun week. Those of you women who have had epidurals and felt that pain when they stick the needle in your back know how my back has felt this week. Weird painful sensation. The bone aches that were supposed to come with the white blood cell builder shot didn't come then but now I have a pretty good idea what they are. Haven't had stomach cramps before either. I don't know if it is the chemo or low blood pressure that is making me fairly unbalanced, weak, and tired. Who knows! Perhaps when my body gets used to this new chemo it will be easier.. So this treatment is three weeks on then one week off for four months. Just think how miserable I would be if prayers weren't being said for me!! I am so grateful for family and friends that are continually supportive. I want to be like all of you!

6/11/2015

Two days past the first Taxol treatment. After a vial of zantac, steroids, and Benadryl finally got the taxol. They say it is an easier drug to deal with so I wasn't expecting the side effects that came the next day. Basically balance problems and different aches. Same dry eye and vision issues. I did see the doctor on Tues. who told me that the cancer had pulled away from the chest wall and shrunk by 40%. Which is a very good thing! Also heard that this cancer usually effects younger women - that is sad. We will see how the rest of the week goes. On the lighter side, I did go to the wig shop to see if they had "wig beepers" since mine is lost much of the time if it isn't on my head. Looks to me like that should be the next wig invention! So ended up getting another wig. It's fun to see the artificial things they have in the wig shop - eyelashes, eyebrows, hair pieces of all kinds,etc.

6/72015

I am the nervous type - so when I was getting dressed this morning I happened to look in the direction of the mirror and for a few startled seconds I thought someone else was in the room with me. I will get used to being bald, I will get used to that no hair look but obviously it has happened yet! This past week has been great. The time period that I was supposed to be the sickest has been the best I have felt since starting chemo. The dry eyes, mouth, lips and throat are just here to stay but with adequate rest the rest of the symptoms can be controlled. What a blessing! When I go in to begin the next round of chemo on Tuesday they won't believe I haven't been sick. With every round it has been the same reaction. "You didn't get really sick? Well next time will be worse!" With every infusion I know exactly why I have been blessed - it is because of those who are praying for me. I know that the Lord cannot refuse to answer so many righteous prayers. Thank you, thank you. And if you ever doubt your prayers are being answered - come visit me. I know it is not my worthiness but it is yours. So Tuesday starts a new chemo for me. You just should never read about this stuff because it is much to scary. I will be happy to begin the next four months of chemo though. June 4th was our wedding anniversary - 44 years. I am sorry he is stuck with me but he has been so sweet and kind. There have been times this last three months that just his touch has given me the strength to go on and know all will be well. I am so grateful for him!

6/3/2015

Often we are reminded that we have very little control over tragic events in our lives. What we consider a tragedy may well be something that pulls us in directions that we would not have chosen ourselves because they are so painful. At the end we realize that some of the most painful experiences in our lives teach us compassion that we never would have understood before, give us more strength than we thought we had, and build faith that carries us through the next challenge that comes our way. I have been inspired by the examples of strength, commitment, compassion, faith, and love in the lives of many friends who daily overcome adversity in their lives. They encourage me to be a better person through their example. I believe there is life changing purpose in adversity - as difficult as it may be. And I do know that we are never alone in those times. On the lighter side - I am feeling great! Blessed beyond measure. Have been waiting for that deathly sickness they told me to expect after the fourth treatment and have actually felt better than I have after the first three infusions. The power of prayer - what else could it be?

5/31/2015

WOW !

5/29/2015

Days have passed since I have blogged because each day I thought nighttime would be the best time to blog but by then it is hard to focus. So any normal person would do it earlier in the day but not me. Procrastinator that I am. Hooray! Had the final infusion of the two harshest chemicals on Tuesday. I was so excited when they gave me the schedule for the next round of chemo. It was only scheduled through July. Could it be? Was I really only going to have to have six infusions instead of twelve?? Was that too good to be true? Apparently so because I called back the office to ask and they said they only scheduled two months at a time. And beside that the next treatment would actually take four months instead of three. So all in all that excitement faded in a hurry! The last three days have been a time of pondering over the things I have learned in last two months. I am a firm believer that when we chose Heavenly Father's plan for us we covenanted to help one another return to live with Him. Being the recipient of such kindness and compassion from so many reaffirms to me how important that covenant is. I have learned more about compassion, more about taking time for others, more about serving, and more about sharing the love we have for each other. Thank you, thank you! Finally. I have learned if I take the medication before the headaches, blurred vision, aches, and weakness begin it isn't as hard to handle them. About time huh? Some people are just slow learners!

5/26/2015

Such a good day. Last of the two worst chemos is over - of course having the chemo treatment is nothing compared to the week ahead! I have been able to let myself realize that this probably isn't the last time I will have chemo treatments unless I die in a quick deadly car accident, or am murdered in a home invasion by some guy with a black hoodie, or I could go on and on but my kids don't find those ideas to be very funny! So I gathered up the sheets off the bed knowing I won't feel like doing it this week. Grabbed my wig; stuffed the sheets in the washer. Then went through the house wondering where I had left the wig. The awful realization that it was probably in the washer with the sheets hit a little too late. Synthetic hair can only be cleaned using a special cleaner. Panic struck as I fished it out of the washer, looking like a drowned muskrat, and I had three hours before leaving for the doctor. You can't dry synthetic hair with a hair dryer so it was a bit damp but it rained so hard all the way to Ogden I figured everyone would just assume I had been pelted by the pounding rainfall. And at this point, as Hillary would say, "what does it matter anyway". The best thing today was my Eli coming home! How we love her and Chris and Sophie, Lila, and Colton. It seems so long since we have seen them. I know it has been difficult for her to be away during this cancer stuff but they will be here for awhile before going to Farmington, New Mexico. We are so grateful they will be closer. The next round of chemo will start in 14 days and will only take an hour instead of three. Three weeks every Tuesday with the fourth week off for twelve infusions means it will not be finished until the end of September. Now that seems like an eternity! On the brighter side two months of the hardest chemos are over.

5/25/2015

Two of the good things today: Great Rees family party, and another day closer to my last two chemical infusion. It was fun to see so many Rees' relatives and their beautiful kids. It was our family's turn to be in charge and with the bounce house, the swimming, the obstacle course, the bb gun/can shooting game, the fishing pond, etc. The kids did a great job organizing the day. There is a battle going on in my mind. I so want to get this last bad infusion over but on the other hand, who wants to be purposely sick. And this is a sickness I could never have imagined. I feel like such a wuss because I have been so blessed.

5/22/2015

Great news: I tried a chocolate covered macadamia nut and it tasted awful! Chocolate no longer tastes good.. Hope it is permanent condition. See, there are some good things about chemo. Then there is the freedom from hair which makes life much easier. That is if you can remember where you left your hair,(wig) when company comes. Then there is the freedom from any kind of obligations because you are in an isolated state- Jake calls it my "man cave". You can lie in bed all day. And that is so much fun. Not! Then there's the cleanliness issue. Never have my door knobs. sink fixtures, cabinet tops, etc. been so germ free. Then there is the "no one should touch you rule" which certainly keeps you from getting germs from hugs. Not to mention you get more sleep because your eyelids stick to your eyeballs and each other because your eyes are so dry. Then there is the not having to practice the piano for long periods of time because after fifteen minutes the notes and lines become so blurred you can't tell the notes from the lines. At the end of the day you have to find those positive blessing of chemo!! I'm feeling good and am grateful for each fairly normal day. Wonderful visitors in the morning made the day pass quickly - after all, how much disinfecting can you do in a day.

5/20/2015

Isn't is great to know that we are never really alone? That we don't have to fight our battles alone. That we have a Father who loves us and wants to help us in a much more perfect way than we love and want to help our children. That knowledge is always so comforting to me! It's a beautiful day here on the compound! Since yesterday I have felt so much better. It's always interesting to think that it isn't the disease that is making you sick - it's the cure. I did get out for a walk today to see the new puppy. One thing I know for sure is that I need to build up some body strength. When your little 4 year old granddaughters are riding their bikes around you in circles as you walk, you realize you need to pick up the pace! At least now I'm not in that constant battle between mind and body. You know the one where your mind says "Get up and get something done" and your body says " I'm so tired I just can't move". Glad to be past that for a week. . .

5/18/2015

Well I am not the sick one in our house tonight! Scott has had a very painful tooth problem. Dr. Ellis was good enough to work him in but I must say he came home in much worse shape that he went in. Scott has always had a very high pain tolerance level and even after surgeries would never take pain medication. Not this time.. He has been flat down in bed since he came home. Being unable to read or focus or listen gives you hours of thinking time. No one in these days is free of trials and adversities in their lives. What is it we are supposed to learn that will help us become more Christlike? I have seen incredible compassion and kindness with this illness. Pres. Porter continually encouraged us to be a Zion people. Pres. Holland stated: " We no longer think of Zion as where we are going to live; we think of it as how we are going to live". The example that so many have set for me reinforces that we are living among people who live like a Zion people. Feel so much better today. I wonder at the strength of people who go through this two, three, even four times and have been much sicker than I have been.

5/17/2015

Sunday again! To say it has been a miserable five days is very accurate but tonight most of the side effects are lessening and I am looking forward to a good week. Hadn't had stomach cramps when I ate something until today. Sad thing about that is the less you eat the weaker you get. Someday I am going to look back on this and laugh at all of the weird things that happen to your body during chemo. Then again, maybe not... My heart is filled with gratitude for the many people who have sent messages, cards, meals, and offered prayers for me and our family. You will probably never know how much that has meant to me. My patriarchal blessing talks about my friends rising up in my time of need - I am so amazed.

5/15/2015

Wow - what a difference a day makes! On Tuesday with the chemo infusion I still felt fairly well. Then came the shot on Wednesday and by night I felt like I had been run over. It may be a bit stronger reaction than the last two but having only one more to go with the two strongest chemicals makes me very grateful. The doctor says the next three months of chemo won't be as difficult to handle. I have been so blessed not to be sick for the whole two weeks between treatments. Light of any kind is difficult to deal with the constant head and eye sight problems. Usually when your sick it is with one thing. The thing that makes chemo hard is you have all of those problems at the same time. general weakness, tingling, burning, nausea, gas, sore throat, sore mouth, swollen aching lymph nodes ,etc. Guess it's a lesson in being grateful when you just have one illness. Looking at the time that has past is much easier than looking at the long time left to go but I know I have been so blessed!

5/12/2015

After a pretty good day yesterday when later in the afternoon rolled around I was exhausted. The hard thing is your mind is telling you there are many things that need to be done and your body telling you that it needs a rest. Gave in around 8:00 pm and went to bed. I don't know why I think laying down is the answer! Then the body tingling and a pain in the back of my head started so I couldn't sleep anyway. Finally got to sleep and was awakened many times when it felt like my pillow was a heating pad. Actually it was the burning inside my head that kept waking me until I found a cool place on the pillow. Morning is a really a good thing sometimes. Scott and I went in for chemo today. I had a list of questions and the first was what are the options if this doesn't work. Since my feet had turned pink in the night the nurses thought I should see Dr. Hansen. So he came in and said he thought the foot coloring incident was due to the chemo they call the Red Devil because it has many side effects. He asked me if I had noticed any difference - which I thought I had, but he decided to check for himself. After a very thorough examination, which looked to me like oncoming death for sure- he said the mass had diminished in size by 20-30%. Which is wonderful from just the two treatments I had had He was finally smiling and as we talked I told him that I knew everything was going so well because of the prayers of my family and friends. And he said, " I believe that must be true". When I told him my first question was about what would happen if the chemo didn't work, he shook his finger at me and said we are not even discussing that because the treatment is working! Everyone's cancer stories are so different. The one thing that is perfectly clear is if you have anything unusual going on, make sure it is checked out. The room was full of healthy looking people today; that was much more encouraging than last time. I am so grateful for the prayers that have been said by so many for me. What a tremendous blessing!! Thank you , thank you...

5/11/2015

What a wonderful Mother's Day! How grateful I am to be a mother - that has always been my most cherished role in life. What is amazing to me now is how they are taking care of me. Not something I ever wanted them to have to do but I am so grateful for them with their busy lives taking time to do whatever I need done. Melia is the primary chorister. Alysha got all of the ranch kids together. After church all of my grandchildren came to my front porch and sang songs from the primary program for me. It was amazing how the little ones knew and sang all of the words! How I love those kids. A new discovery today - when Scott was brushing all these little short hairs off my shirt he suggested I find a lint roller. He laughed as he left saying "You should use that on your hair". What a great idea! I used it on my head and it was just covered with hair. Such a strange sight but it worked so well I'm going to use it a couple times a day until I'm completely bald. Our friends, the Thompson's, came to visit and wish me a happy Mother's day. What a joy it is to see the changes they are making in their lives!

5/8/2015

Pregnancy/Chemo - who would have ever thought they had so much in common. Whenever you have a health problem and your are pregnant, no matter what it is, the Doctor says "it's just because you are pregnant". I was awake much of the night by a stinging burning feeling in my head. Turned on the light and went to get out of bed when I looked at my feet and they were bright pink. I wish I had taken a picture. In my mind I could hear the Doctor saying " It's just because you are having Chemo." Weird stuff. Morning couldn't come soon enough. Still had the head problem but my feet were their normal white color! I did read this morning about using white pillow cases so if you "drool" during the night they don't get bleached spots on them. I knew it- your body is taken over by bleach! I thought last night I would watch the Dan Rather special. Didn't realize he has been dealing with cancer for some time. It gave him time to realize what was really important in his life. I had two reactions for the first fifteen minutes before I turned it off: 1. It for some reason really depressed me 2. For my entire adult life I have known what is most important in my life - my family, my friends, my faith. Scott has supported me in making those things the focus of my life. I have always been grateful to be able to center my life around what I loved the most.

5/7/2015

The last three days have been wonderful! Felt so good I loaded a DI bag in the car and drove to Layton knowing I could escape the "cave" as Jake calls it. That makes me laugh because it's true both mentally and physically! I knew my daughters would try to talk me out of it so I texted Melia after I left. It felt so good to do something normal. It's not a place you have to go in or be around a lot of people so it was perfect for me. You know how once in a while you get that joyous feeling that it is great to be alive; I realized that I hadn't felt that for quite a while. I am finally losing my quarter inch long irritating hair! Don't know if men's short stubby hair wakes them up every time they turn over in bed but mine does. I know my head is a bit sensitive. Never thought I would come to the point of glee when I became completely bald. One month of chemo is over! Looking back is so much better than looking forward but I am so grateful for the blessing of not being overwhelmed with sickness that I know most people suffer with. It may still be coming but I know many prayers are being answered in my behalf. How wonderful it is to feel surrounded by prayers of others.