5/31/2015

WOW !

5/29/2015

Days have passed since I have blogged because each day I thought nighttime would be the best time to blog but by then it is hard to focus. So any normal person would do it earlier in the day but not me. Procrastinator that I am. Hooray! Had the final infusion of the two harshest chemicals on Tuesday. I was so excited when they gave me the schedule for the next round of chemo. It was only scheduled through July. Could it be? Was I really only going to have to have six infusions instead of twelve?? Was that too good to be true? Apparently so because I called back the office to ask and they said they only scheduled two months at a time. And beside that the next treatment would actually take four months instead of three. So all in all that excitement faded in a hurry! The last three days have been a time of pondering over the things I have learned in last two months. I am a firm believer that when we chose Heavenly Father's plan for us we covenanted to help one another return to live with Him. Being the recipient of such kindness and compassion from so many reaffirms to me how important that covenant is. I have learned more about compassion, more about taking time for others, more about serving, and more about sharing the love we have for each other. Thank you, thank you! Finally. I have learned if I take the medication before the headaches, blurred vision, aches, and weakness begin it isn't as hard to handle them. About time huh? Some people are just slow learners!

5/26/2015

Such a good day. Last of the two worst chemos is over - of course having the chemo treatment is nothing compared to the week ahead! I have been able to let myself realize that this probably isn't the last time I will have chemo treatments unless I die in a quick deadly car accident, or am murdered in a home invasion by some guy with a black hoodie, or I could go on and on but my kids don't find those ideas to be very funny! So I gathered up the sheets off the bed knowing I won't feel like doing it this week. Grabbed my wig; stuffed the sheets in the washer. Then went through the house wondering where I had left the wig. The awful realization that it was probably in the washer with the sheets hit a little too late. Synthetic hair can only be cleaned using a special cleaner. Panic struck as I fished it out of the washer, looking like a drowned muskrat, and I had three hours before leaving for the doctor. You can't dry synthetic hair with a hair dryer so it was a bit damp but it rained so hard all the way to Ogden I figured everyone would just assume I had been pelted by the pounding rainfall. And at this point, as Hillary would say, "what does it matter anyway". The best thing today was my Eli coming home! How we love her and Chris and Sophie, Lila, and Colton. It seems so long since we have seen them. I know it has been difficult for her to be away during this cancer stuff but they will be here for awhile before going to Farmington, New Mexico. We are so grateful they will be closer. The next round of chemo will start in 14 days and will only take an hour instead of three. Three weeks every Tuesday with the fourth week off for twelve infusions means it will not be finished until the end of September. Now that seems like an eternity! On the brighter side two months of the hardest chemos are over.

5/25/2015

Two of the good things today: Great Rees family party, and another day closer to my last two chemical infusion. It was fun to see so many Rees' relatives and their beautiful kids. It was our family's turn to be in charge and with the bounce house, the swimming, the obstacle course, the bb gun/can shooting game, the fishing pond, etc. The kids did a great job organizing the day. There is a battle going on in my mind. I so want to get this last bad infusion over but on the other hand, who wants to be purposely sick. And this is a sickness I could never have imagined. I feel like such a wuss because I have been so blessed.

5/22/2015

Great news: I tried a chocolate covered macadamia nut and it tasted awful! Chocolate no longer tastes good.. Hope it is permanent condition. See, there are some good things about chemo. Then there is the freedom from hair which makes life much easier. That is if you can remember where you left your hair,(wig) when company comes. Then there is the freedom from any kind of obligations because you are in an isolated state- Jake calls it my "man cave". You can lie in bed all day. And that is so much fun. Not! Then there's the cleanliness issue. Never have my door knobs. sink fixtures, cabinet tops, etc. been so germ free. Then there is the "no one should touch you rule" which certainly keeps you from getting germs from hugs. Not to mention you get more sleep because your eyelids stick to your eyeballs and each other because your eyes are so dry. Then there is the not having to practice the piano for long periods of time because after fifteen minutes the notes and lines become so blurred you can't tell the notes from the lines. At the end of the day you have to find those positive blessing of chemo!! I'm feeling good and am grateful for each fairly normal day. Wonderful visitors in the morning made the day pass quickly - after all, how much disinfecting can you do in a day.

5/20/2015

Isn't is great to know that we are never really alone? That we don't have to fight our battles alone. That we have a Father who loves us and wants to help us in a much more perfect way than we love and want to help our children. That knowledge is always so comforting to me! It's a beautiful day here on the compound! Since yesterday I have felt so much better. It's always interesting to think that it isn't the disease that is making you sick - it's the cure. I did get out for a walk today to see the new puppy. One thing I know for sure is that I need to build up some body strength. When your little 4 year old granddaughters are riding their bikes around you in circles as you walk, you realize you need to pick up the pace! At least now I'm not in that constant battle between mind and body. You know the one where your mind says "Get up and get something done" and your body says " I'm so tired I just can't move". Glad to be past that for a week. . .

5/18/2015

Well I am not the sick one in our house tonight! Scott has had a very painful tooth problem. Dr. Ellis was good enough to work him in but I must say he came home in much worse shape that he went in. Scott has always had a very high pain tolerance level and even after surgeries would never take pain medication. Not this time.. He has been flat down in bed since he came home. Being unable to read or focus or listen gives you hours of thinking time. No one in these days is free of trials and adversities in their lives. What is it we are supposed to learn that will help us become more Christlike? I have seen incredible compassion and kindness with this illness. Pres. Porter continually encouraged us to be a Zion people. Pres. Holland stated: " We no longer think of Zion as where we are going to live; we think of it as how we are going to live". The example that so many have set for me reinforces that we are living among people who live like a Zion people. Feel so much better today. I wonder at the strength of people who go through this two, three, even four times and have been much sicker than I have been.

5/17/2015

Sunday again! To say it has been a miserable five days is very accurate but tonight most of the side effects are lessening and I am looking forward to a good week. Hadn't had stomach cramps when I ate something until today. Sad thing about that is the less you eat the weaker you get. Someday I am going to look back on this and laugh at all of the weird things that happen to your body during chemo. Then again, maybe not... My heart is filled with gratitude for the many people who have sent messages, cards, meals, and offered prayers for me and our family. You will probably never know how much that has meant to me. My patriarchal blessing talks about my friends rising up in my time of need - I am so amazed.

5/15/2015

Wow - what a difference a day makes! On Tuesday with the chemo infusion I still felt fairly well. Then came the shot on Wednesday and by night I felt like I had been run over. It may be a bit stronger reaction than the last two but having only one more to go with the two strongest chemicals makes me very grateful. The doctor says the next three months of chemo won't be as difficult to handle. I have been so blessed not to be sick for the whole two weeks between treatments. Light of any kind is difficult to deal with the constant head and eye sight problems. Usually when your sick it is with one thing. The thing that makes chemo hard is you have all of those problems at the same time. general weakness, tingling, burning, nausea, gas, sore throat, sore mouth, swollen aching lymph nodes ,etc. Guess it's a lesson in being grateful when you just have one illness. Looking at the time that has past is much easier than looking at the long time left to go but I know I have been so blessed!

5/12/2015

After a pretty good day yesterday when later in the afternoon rolled around I was exhausted. The hard thing is your mind is telling you there are many things that need to be done and your body telling you that it needs a rest. Gave in around 8:00 pm and went to bed. I don't know why I think laying down is the answer! Then the body tingling and a pain in the back of my head started so I couldn't sleep anyway. Finally got to sleep and was awakened many times when it felt like my pillow was a heating pad. Actually it was the burning inside my head that kept waking me until I found a cool place on the pillow. Morning is a really a good thing sometimes. Scott and I went in for chemo today. I had a list of questions and the first was what are the options if this doesn't work. Since my feet had turned pink in the night the nurses thought I should see Dr. Hansen. So he came in and said he thought the foot coloring incident was due to the chemo they call the Red Devil because it has many side effects. He asked me if I had noticed any difference - which I thought I had, but he decided to check for himself. After a very thorough examination, which looked to me like oncoming death for sure- he said the mass had diminished in size by 20-30%. Which is wonderful from just the two treatments I had had He was finally smiling and as we talked I told him that I knew everything was going so well because of the prayers of my family and friends. And he said, " I believe that must be true". When I told him my first question was about what would happen if the chemo didn't work, he shook his finger at me and said we are not even discussing that because the treatment is working! Everyone's cancer stories are so different. The one thing that is perfectly clear is if you have anything unusual going on, make sure it is checked out. The room was full of healthy looking people today; that was much more encouraging than last time. I am so grateful for the prayers that have been said by so many for me. What a tremendous blessing!! Thank you , thank you...

5/11/2015

What a wonderful Mother's Day! How grateful I am to be a mother - that has always been my most cherished role in life. What is amazing to me now is how they are taking care of me. Not something I ever wanted them to have to do but I am so grateful for them with their busy lives taking time to do whatever I need done. Melia is the primary chorister. Alysha got all of the ranch kids together. After church all of my grandchildren came to my front porch and sang songs from the primary program for me. It was amazing how the little ones knew and sang all of the words! How I love those kids. A new discovery today - when Scott was brushing all these little short hairs off my shirt he suggested I find a lint roller. He laughed as he left saying "You should use that on your hair". What a great idea! I used it on my head and it was just covered with hair. Such a strange sight but it worked so well I'm going to use it a couple times a day until I'm completely bald. Our friends, the Thompson's, came to visit and wish me a happy Mother's day. What a joy it is to see the changes they are making in their lives!

5/8/2015

Pregnancy/Chemo - who would have ever thought they had so much in common. Whenever you have a health problem and your are pregnant, no matter what it is, the Doctor says "it's just because you are pregnant". I was awake much of the night by a stinging burning feeling in my head. Turned on the light and went to get out of bed when I looked at my feet and they were bright pink. I wish I had taken a picture. In my mind I could hear the Doctor saying " It's just because you are having Chemo." Weird stuff. Morning couldn't come soon enough. Still had the head problem but my feet were their normal white color! I did read this morning about using white pillow cases so if you "drool" during the night they don't get bleached spots on them. I knew it- your body is taken over by bleach! I thought last night I would watch the Dan Rather special. Didn't realize he has been dealing with cancer for some time. It gave him time to realize what was really important in his life. I had two reactions for the first fifteen minutes before I turned it off: 1. It for some reason really depressed me 2. For my entire adult life I have known what is most important in my life - my family, my friends, my faith. Scott has supported me in making those things the focus of my life. I have always been grateful to be able to center my life around what I loved the most.

5/7/2015

The last three days have been wonderful! Felt so good I loaded a DI bag in the car and drove to Layton knowing I could escape the "cave" as Jake calls it. That makes me laugh because it's true both mentally and physically! I knew my daughters would try to talk me out of it so I texted Melia after I left. It felt so good to do something normal. It's not a place you have to go in or be around a lot of people so it was perfect for me. You know how once in a while you get that joyous feeling that it is great to be alive; I realized that I hadn't felt that for quite a while. I am finally losing my quarter inch long irritating hair! Don't know if men's short stubby hair wakes them up every time they turn over in bed but mine does. I know my head is a bit sensitive. Never thought I would come to the point of glee when I became completely bald. One month of chemo is over! Looking back is so much better than looking forward but I am so grateful for the blessing of not being overwhelmed with sickness that I know most people suffer with. It may still be coming but I know many prayers are being answered in my behalf. How wonderful it is to feel surrounded by prayers of others.

5/4/2015

So exercise is a big thing with cancer - as if that was the only time it's important. But I had this revelation today that surely the reason I have cancer is that I quit exercising with Richard Simmons videos! During our mission I was pretty faithful but alas, when we got home I put the videos in the office and have never pulled them out since. My kids have always loved Richard! Not true exactly - they wouldn't even stay in the same room with me. The only thing about exercising, even walking, is getting your body to feel like you won't collapse! I am working on short walks though. I feel good today with some residual problems that Dr. Hansen's nurse told me how to clear up or prevent before the next treatment. Just keep thinking that one month of treatment has passed! Only eleven more..... Well water is not good for chemo patients because it may have bacteria that with a weakened immune system your body can't fight off. Guess it's bottled water or boiled water from now on.

5/3/2015

Good Sunday! Being about the only living human on the ranch is no fun. Even Lady, the ranch dog and Scott's constant companion, wasn't on the front porch waiting for Scott to come home. That's because she was hit by a train last week. It has been very sad for all of us but especially Scott. All he needs is a worthless wife and no dog! Don't know why but I am having trouble seeing tonight - that usually comes with the headache but gratefully it has been a day without that. After grilling Scott on every little thing that happened at church today, guess he really isn't asleep through most of Sacrament meeting, we went out for a walk. I'm good for a whopping ten minutes. Everything I read says how important 30 minutes of exercise a day is for cancer patients so I've got a ways to go. It's just that feeling of general weakness that I need to overcome, along with a few other things. Got to visit with some of my wonderful grandkids who came to the fence to talk to us and make sure I really am alive! It was so good to visit with Melia, Megan, Joe and Hannah and little Owen. What a blessing it is to live surrounded by family!

5/2/2015

Woke up this morning, laid there for a few minutes, sat up thinking something felt different- my body felt normal! Didn't last too long but it was great! It has been a good day. Each day is kind of a process of adjusting your mindset to what you can and cannot do. Wish I could do more reading and studying but my eyes and head seem to be the most constantly affected areas. I'm good for about 15 minutes of reading before the headache starts. There are so many things worse than living with chemo. I'm grateful for the problems I have. It is so much easier to see that prayers are answered when the outcome is positive. One thing I have learned from painful experience, as we all do, is that a negative outcome is also a blessing. Wading through that process is a period of growth we often do not get when our prayers are answered the way we want them to be. Family, friends, and faith are the greatest blessings in my life!