11/28/15

Today has been one of those reflective kind of days for me. I've been thinking today about faith and it's importance in our lives. Faith and prayer have brought miracles in my life but one of the most memorable happened close to ten years ago and centered on my daughter, Megan. At the age of twelve she was diagnosed with a severe kidney disease. She did so well but always in my mind was that fear that it would come out of remission and she would have to live her life on dialysis. She and Nate were dating and Nate's grandmother, when she found out about Megan's nephritis, said there was a world renowned kidney doctor that had a summer home close to where she lived and asked if Megan would like to see him. So she set up a meeting between him and Megan while they were with her.He made time between his traveling and research to see her at the Kidney Center next to Huntsman in Salt Lake. That Megan even had the chance to have him go over her case was a miracle! Basically from his tests he told us that having children would destroy her health, or that of the baby, or both. Motherhood is so precious to me that I was just heartbroken to think that she could never have children of her own. So we walked out of the office to the sidewalk with me begging for strength to help her. Suddenly she turned to me, took me by the shoulders and saw the tears running down my face. "Mom please don't cry. They don't know everything! What do they know of the priesthood or even prayer?" I was so grateful for her faith that comforted me - even though I should have been the supportive one! Megan's faith, through two healthy pregnancies and childbirths that could have ended tragically, has always been an inspiration to me. Radiation is beginning to take it's tole with a sore throat, aches, and a tightening sensation through out my left chest wall, under my arm and up into my neck. Being tired by now is a normal, but frustrating, condition. I'm so blessed to be old with no one that I need to take care of - but my husband. He has done a great job of taking care of me though! Thank you all for your friendship, love, and concern. Your prayers have brought about miracles in my life!

11/27/15

It's after 9:00 pm - the time I should be in bed if I don't want to be miserable. However my husband is in a more worse state than I am. He had an angiogram yesterday and has had a reaction to the dye. His whole body is red, itchy, and generally miserable! The radiation is catching up with me with sore throat, head ache, body aches that began with chemo and general fatigued. My left chest wall feels burned and tight. Only have 16 more radiation treatments and it but probably isn't going to be much fun, but what about cancer is fun? Or any other medical condition for that matter. On the other hand we have so much to be grateful for!

11/23/15

It's interesting to think that I see the radiation staff at the hospital more often than I see my family here on the ranch. However I think they will be happy to see the end of my treatment after I scared the nurse taking my blood pressure to death by squealing. Probably only my family knows that I am a squealer - it doesn't matter what the occasion is - happy, sad, you name it. Normally in radiation you just go in, go back to the dressing room, put on their weird little top and they are there to take you into the radiation room. So I was surprised when they took me in to take my blood pressure, etc. From the beginning of breast cancer surgery you are told to be sure nothing is done on the arm the lymph nodes are removed from. Nothing tight on that arm, no blood drawn from that arm, etc. So when the nurse sat me down and pulled out the blood pressure cuff I didn't even think until the cuff started to tighten on my arm and then I realized it was my bad arm. So of course, I squealed. She got this horrified look on her face and her eyes were as big as dollars. She couldn't imagine what had happened but knew it must be bad! "Take that off my arm right now!" "What on earth is the matter?" I know she thought that I had lost it completely. It is difficult to remember not to do normal things with that arm because there is no pain involved. But I certainly need to control myself!! Jamie was asked to speak on prayer on Sunday. We were at her house having a birthday lunch for Kelsey. She was asking if anyone had any ideas or stories. As I listened to the girls the reality of how important prayers have been in my life just overwhelmed me. I believe that I am alive because of the prayers of so many others; because many friends have put my name on temple prayer rolls; because my children and precious grandchildren constantly pray for me. I whole heartedly believe in the power of prayer!

11/22/15

Time is passing so quickly. Nine months ago I thought a year of cancer treatment sounded like forever - and here it is almost Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for! The one thing I wish I had known during chemo and being so miserable with the chronic dry eye stuff was it could have been treated. With all of the side effects of treatment, that has been the most miserable for me. Three weeks of eye drops every hour have been very helpful. The eye doctor says three more months of eye drops every hour and Restasis - who knew a months supply of that is $434. However at Sam's Club it is $99 (in case anyone needs to know) So between the hourly eye drops and the aloe vera chest rubs to prevent burning every three hours, I'm a busy woman! Have had nine radiation treatments; so only nineteen left. The best thing about radiation is the warm blanket they cover you with! The worst thing is making sure you don't move for half an hour while you are going in and out of the tube. By nighttime I'm achy all over and tired but that's much better than the chemo and the surgery!

11/19/15

There have been good things happening here: I'm finally growing some facial hair ( a few eyebrow hairs and eyelashes that are now a sixteenth of an inch long). It sounds so strange to me when I laugh and then I realize it has been some time since I thought there was much to laugh about. The radiation is going well. After tomorrow there will only be four weeks of radiation left. Then hormone blocking stuff and before you know it I'll be through that year of treatment Dr. Garvy said it would be. In the beginning a year sounded like an eternity, now it's amazing that so much of it is over. Today was an eye appointment after radiation. Dr. Dastrup has been so helpful. Remembering how painful my eyes have been since beginning chemo and I did nothing about it because I thought it was all chemo related is sad. Now it's going to be three more months of eye drops every hour - maybe steroid eye drops morning and night.

11/17/15

"We are the product of lives who have touched ours" President Hinckley Dr. Hansen, oncologist, was all kind and gentle and happy smiles when I met with him today. Took an hour and a half of waiting but finally got to see him just before I had to leave for a radiation appointment. He told me that the area in my spine that had showed up before was still there but the technician thought it was probably arthritis. So of course he wanted me to have an MRI to be sure. If they find that is true the cancer is will be downgraded to a 3. We are all excited about that but Dr. Hansen was very delighted that the chemo had actually worked - I know it wasn't the chemo. I honestly believe it was prayers of others, prayers on temple roles, and faith that made the difference. The quote from Pres. Hinckley states just how blessed and thankful I feel about having such Christlike friends. This automatic spelling feature is often not very helpful! So if this makes no sense you can be sure it's the spell checker! I can only wish that was the case. Sometimes I reread the post and find words substituted for the ones I used. That could be for the best! Four out of twenty eight radiation treatments are over! You just have to love the staff there; they are so kind and friendly. My body doesn't feel like this is going to be an easy five months though.

11/12/15

Just saying: "I feel sooo good"! It's been 8 months since I have felt this good. The radiation after two days has not been bad except when I started coughing and my body moved enough that they had to start all over. My mouth is so dry that I asked if they had anything to keep my mouth moist. Someone had a cough drop and gave it to me. Five minutes later I was coughing. They had told me to raise my fingers (which were holding bars behind my head) if there was any problem. Finally the doctor came in. "You are going to have to take this cough drop out of my mouth because it is making me cough." "Yes we know and we are going to have to start all over again." Needless to say, I was feeling pretty awesome since I couldn't move to get the cough drop out of my mouth by myself. Anyway all is well. The doctor says the first two weeks aren't too bad but the last three are exhausting. Sounds ok with me since you aren't sick. Except for the cow that was standing on my porch eating the straw from behind some cute scarecrows Sue had put there. Then there were the two sitting in my flower beds chewing their cuds just like they belonged there and a yard full of cows making themselves at home eating every green plant and tree in sight. That's why I have a BB gun and actually am becoming a pretty good shot! Tomorrow is our annual fall bull sale. The girls have been organizing the luncheon for 250 people since their mother is defunct!

11/8/15

THE REAL JOURNEY IS THE ONE THAT TAKES PLACE WITHIN US For me it is not the cancer journey that is important, but rather finding within myself the growth that should be a huge part of this journey. Much easier said than done! We all live with trials; many much worse than cancer. Without faith I would shrivel up and die - that's how strong I am not.... That is why I know how vital your prayers have been for me and my family. I was looking forward to going to Church today only to wake up early with a headache that soon became an all over ache. Don't know if it was a germ or just that I have been stressing my weakened body thinking since the cancer hadn't spread I should be 100% better. Eli is here with her family and it was the Primary Program. Since much of the Primary is made up of our grandchildren it would have been fun to go. Hadn't planned on having tattoos on my chest! As the radiation woman was doing the work up to begin radiation on Wednesday, she said,"By the way, I'm putting permanent tattoos on your chest." See I have grown - I didn't even bat an eye until I walked out and Scott asked why that circle and dot were on my chest. And there it was, just above my shirt neckline. Well what is makeup for anyway! And to think that Dr. Garvy wouldn't let me get my eyebrows permanently done because it was a form of tattoo that pierced the skin and would be dangerous for me. Just to have eyebrows would be nice but instead I have these circles with dots and arrows.

11/7/15

I am still in shock about the cancer not spreading- still wonder if they had the wrong scan or they will tell me something different when I see Dr. Hansen in another two weeks. To clarify - The cancer has not spread from where it was found. They did not get it all in that area but hope the radiation will do that. The important thing is to enjoy every day because none of us know when our time on earth is over. That became even more clear with Scott's incident up on the mountain. Thank Heaven he is still here! Shut in the house with no visitors or little kids messes is not the way I am going to live the rest of my life! Being careful about germs, etc, will probably be an issue through radiation but I can do that. Isn't it amazing how many things we don't know?? I couldn't figure out why the reading glasses weren't working. I knew my distance vision came and went but thought I needed stronger lenses. Finally got out to Sam's Club and used their test lenses, only to find the ones I was using were too strong! According to my dentist son-in-law, vision comes and goes with Dry Eye Syndrome. Just grateful it comes once in a while!! All in all, I am feeling much better. A bit startled at times by the bra and breast forms issues. Just so you know in case you ever need the info: breast forms run from $350 to $450 and up a piece. I'm surely not healed enough to wear them all day; they are heavy! Should be for that kind of money. But you can choose any size and more than one for different occasions... Could be a plus. I'm just going for the non-concave look!

11/5/15

Words cannot express how grateful I am tonight. Both Dr. Garvy and Dr. Hansen had said they were fairly sure the cancer had spread through the lymph nodes to other areas and would need to know where it is. The PET Scan would show where the cancer is. The radiation doctor was waiting for the results. So I was just hoping there would be fewer places so they could do the radiation. I waited all morning to call the office but obviously the stress was building. Around noon I called and the woman who answered the phone said the results were there and she would have the nurse call me back. I had been pleading all morning with the Lord to give me the strength to be strong enough to help my family accept what was coming. Finally around 4:00 the nurse called me back. Seeing the McKay Dee number, I steeled myself for the results. "Good news, the cancer has not spread - there are no signs of metastatic cancer." How could that be?? Did she have the wrong test? Did I hear her right? Or was this an absolute miracle? Of course I immediately started sobbing! I keep thinking this is a dream and I am going to wake up and realize it was just something I imagined. The only answer to all of this in my mind is that prayers have been answered in my behalf and it is indeed a miracle. That does not mean the road ahead will be easy but it will make it possible for me to continue with treatment. I am so very grateful! Thank you for your prayers, for putting my name on temple rolls, and for caring.

11/4/15

Life has settled down a bit today. Had a PET Scan this morning and saw the radiation oncologist. So I now have these cool circles with arrows tattooed on my chest and a body form so I can't move during the radiation process. Radiation beginning next Wed. depending on the results of the PET Scan. It helps a bit to know no matter what the results are, I know I have cancer already and will live with it the rest of my life. And that's okay because people do live with cancer. Just wish the whole thing was easier for my family. Scott is doing well. He is a bit wary of the times he feels dizzy so that is good. After the bull sale he will be monitored so we can find out what is going on with his health. We are all so grateful that he is still here and functioning!

11/3/15

I'm pooped! Sunday morning Alysha called me with desperation and tears in her voice, "Mom there has been an ambulance call out for a 66 year old man, possible heart attack at Exit 106. Mom, I think it's Dad!" I am so disgusted with this laptop erasing what I have written that this will be a much shorter version of the last couple of days than was just erased. Scott had gone up on the mountain with Chris, Cade and Jake to find and bring down the elk Cade shot the night before. Scott and Cade found the elk and Scott was gutting it when he started to get weaker and weaker and finally sat of the ground. He lost consciousness. They gave him a blessing, carried him down the mountain the ranger, seat belted him in as he laid with his head on Jake's lap. Meanwhile they had called Nate to come and help them. He called the ambulance when he arrived and could see that Scott needed more help than they could give him. Meanwhile Alysha and I had driven over, just sick, as you can imagine. Austin came down the mountain with the ambulance and stopped for me to get in. Scott still pretty much unresponsive. He was covered in blood from gutting the elk and stunk to high heaven (that's really a lot). About an hour after we got to the ER he started coming around. Testing revealed that he had not had a heart attack and everything else was good. He had been fasting since the day before and is hypoglycemic. When they got his heart beat it was 43. It would go up to 83 then fall back down. They wanted to keep him for observation for 24 hours so they could see what was happening. By then he was back to being himself - giving everyone a hard time! Me with my 1/2 long white frizzy hair, big dark circles under my eyes, and ghost face of no eyebrows or lashes never crossed my mind until I noticed people looking at me. Thanks to Callie and Gracie sending down my wig! What on earth would we ever do without family or faith? I felt comforted throughout the whole the experience with Scott. I'm so grateful for our EMT family members who knew just what to do. What a blessing to be surrounded by a loving family! So Scott spent the night in the hospital and I spent the night at home waking up every hour in a panic realizing to a very slight degree what my family and friends whose spouses had passed on must feel. Scott was released before noon on Monday. They felt the problem was his heart rate going high then dropping very low. Something that can be easily fixed by a pacemaker. After the bull sale next week they will do more testing. Megan didn't think he needed any more stress right now. He had just gotten home from the hospital when we had to go back to see Dr. Hansen. Alysha went with us - which was a very good thing considering I couldn't see and who knows what shape Scott was in!! Dr. Hansen just told us he was most concerned with two of the lymph nodes that a certain measurement of cancer was clumped together in. He had previously hoped that it was a Stage 3 cancer instead of a 4. But it isn't. He made appointments for me for a PET scan and an Echocardiogram and wanted me to begin radiation as soon as possible. He doesn't want to do more chemo but that depends on where the cancer has traveled. He does want me to begin the hormone blocker medication. We wlll just have to see what the results of that test are. On the lighter side of things, Alysha had drawn on some eyebrows and eyeliner for me. She thought that was a bit strange but when we went to the breast store it was a whole new level of strange for her and me. For me the strangest thing was having this woman standing in front of me putting different sizes of breast things in the pockets of the bra I had on and adjusting them so they looked even. Trying to decide if I really wanted a 7 - after all they do go up to a 14! mm