10/31/15

Should probably go trick r treating with the kids - certainly would not have to put anything strange on my head since I look like a ghoul already! It's been a pathetic few days but I am feeling better. Finally got my cell phone working, just in time to pull it of the cupboard with a towel into the sink where I was washing dishes. Talk about disgusting! Then out of frustration with myself I planted myself in the recliner for a nice Hallmark movie. Couldn't get the remote to work. Just then the phone rang and I realized I had been trying to turn on the TV with the phone. Then while the cows are out roaming I needed to have my ever ready BB gun ready to get them off the grass. But no, I couldn't get the gun to work only to find out later that it was on safety. Night time could not come soon enough. Bet you are thinking I am a has been! And it is so true.... It takes all of my mentality to get drops in my eyes every hour. One of the most challenging things is trying to do something that looks semi-normal with my chest. These breast poofs made out of fiber fill are just difficult to make look the same! The "real" breast prosthetics will be better but too sore for those yet. What a beautiful fall day it has been. There may be ugly things going on around us but we are so blessed to know this life is just a short time in an eternal perspective. I know that leaving our bodies here and moving on is a natural thing for all of us but it is much more real and painful when you face your own mortality or that of a loved one. Guess that's why we need to live every day as if it were our last day on earth!

10/29/15

Went to the eye doctor today and can barely see what I am typing. That's certainly a change for the better - not! He did say I had moderate to severe dry eye syndrome. I am so grateful that it is something that can be treated. Eye drops every hour that you are awake. He says it takes months to rehydrate and then they can determine what my vision really is. My eyes are less painful but everything is a bit fuzzy now. with a mind like mine I figure I need a new calendar just to remember all of the medicines I have. Today they called from the eye place and asked me to bring all medications I am taking - after filling 3 gallon bags with medicine bottles I stuffed them all in a big bag. Scott asked if I needed to borrow a truck. How rude! He just feels bad that he doesn't have any medicines that he has to take every hour of the day..... Grateful for another day. What blessings I have been given!

10/26/15

Why is it that when you are busy exercising one fly can't seem to find anywhere in the entire room to land but on your face?? Of course these exercises are done lying on the bed stretching your arms so they will function normally again. We're getting there!! It has been a few days of not blogging but I'm just a slacker. Saw the surgeon this morning and she said it would be two more weeks before she would release me for radiation. Which works out well since I will probably get started on the chemo next week. It must be easier chemo to deal with since it is a lifelong treatment. No wonder Dr. Garvy told me to go ahead and do anything I want to do - she knew I wouldn't feel like doing much! But she also said my body would be a wreck with all it has gone through. That's funny because it was a wreck before we even started with cancer... The weird thing is that anything that lightly touches your chest, above the surgical area, hurts; but you can put more pressure against it and it doesn't hurt at all. Every day I am so grateful to have family and friends that support and pray for us! When I pray for strength to make it through difficult times, I know that strength comes from your prayers for me and my family. Thank you so much!

10/21/15

I'm pooped - it's difficult to spend the day in a recliner with your arms and your feet propped up! Actually it has been a pretty good day. The physical therapy yesterday has left me with more chest pain but I know that will feel better fairly soon. When I look at myself in the mirror I think they should call it a massacre not a mastectomy! But then a massacre takes lives instead of saving them. Isn't it amazing how your life can change so dramatically? I know that learning from those changes is our purpose here. Each of our trials are different but all are challenging!

10/23/15

So I am doing great - as long as I don't put my arms close to my swollen sides. Chest pain is decreasing! Probably just in time to start radiation and chemo. Came across this sign that reminds me why we are given trials: IN SCHOOL YOU'RE TAUGHT A LESSON AND THEN GIVEN A TEST IN LIFE YOU'RE GIVEN A TEST THAT TEACHES YOU A LESSON One thing I have learned is how wonderful it is to be surrounded by family and friends who are so kind and thoughtful. That is something I have always appreciated but this is a whole new level of gratitude!

10/19/15

You know how you have heard if you breast feed it helps with protecting you from breast cancer. So naturally I thought that having nursed six babies for a year a piece would be helpful. But no. My cancer actually started in the milk ducts and grew out into the skin. Aggressive Lobular carcinoma they say. Since they don't know where it may have gone through the lymph system it is kind of like starting over but from a less positive perspective. We just go on from here knowing that doctors don't know everything!! I have appointments with the oncologist and the radiation oncologist in two weeks. Dr. Garvey says I have to look much better before she would consider turning me over to the other doctors. How could she say such a thing - haha! She thinks six months of harsh chemo and major surgery have taken a toll on my body. At least that made me feel better about what a wuss I am. She drained fluid from my chest and said she would probably do that three to five more times. Scott wanted me to ask her if she would keep the drain tubing and bottle. I forgot, of course, until she had thrown it in the garbage. She did get it out and wash it off; then put it into a bag for him. After all that, and she really was grossed out, he just wanted to look at it. She said the contents of the bag were equivalent to poop. Those were her very words! Wouldn't that be great addition to our spook alley? No one but me thought so however. There are so many good things in my life - they are my reality so cancer will just have to take a back seat.

10/15/15

Finally getting back to blogging. The problem is there is swelling in my arms and under my arms down my sides so I can't hold my arms close to my side to type. Good excuse huh. I feel like putting a broomstick through my sleeves to keep my arms up - like a scarecrow in a corn patch. Only I am scarier looking !! Eli drove from Farmington NM with her kids today. Scott and I were trying to decide how to make what I look like not be so shocking to them. They haven't been here since my white fuzzy hair started growing and my eye brows and eyelashes disappeared. Didn't want to scare them.. So put on my wig and Scott was amazing at making the kids comfortable with my white fuzz head verses the brown wig. Love having them here. It makes life seem more normal! It has been so quiet at our house for the past eight months. So here the problem - one of many. To avoid swelling in my head, I need to elevate my head. Which isn't difficult. Also my arms and chest need to be elevated to avoid fluid build up. I had no idea the removal of lymph nodes caused so many problems. Because of a bad vein in my leg that has previously cased foot ulcers, it also needs to be elevated above my heart. You get the picture. Looks to me like everything must puddle in the rear end area. Then Scott finds the ice cream in the fridge instead of the freezer and his favorite knife, which we had looked for for an hour, showed up in the garage where I had taken it to open a case of water and of course forgotten all about it. I don't know if it has to do with the sleeping medicine, chemo, or if I'm just going crazy. That's why I really am hesitant to go to Ogden by myself - maybe even Morgan. But in spite of every little thing I am so grateful to know this life is just a small part of our existence and our Father in Heaven always has our backs.

10/11/15

Just because our prayers are not answered the way we hope doesn't mean they are not being answered by someone who knows far more about our lives than we do. This time I know that more clearly than I have in the past. We all go through experiences that pull us closer to that understanding or we let it push us away thinking God does not care about us anyway. I am so grateful to know that when we hit rock bottom there is someone to turn to that I know has the power to help us grow and learn through the difficult experiences we all have on this earth. Just saying it like it is - this radical mastectomy stuff is miserable. I had dropped most of my pain medication thinking the surgery sites should be better. All I can say is that is far from true!

10/9/15

So, Alysha came to check on me this morning and decided I needed some eyebrows. It's not for lack of trying but I just couldn't decide where it should be. Alysha wanted to do angry brows but what we ended up with looked like one question mark and the other a slash of too dark brown. After half and hour of laughing and decision making we finally agreed on one. So next came the eyelashes. I do have three of my own! My eyes look sicker than I really am, so if am going to live the rest of my life in treatment I'm going to be using a lot of fake stuff! Who would have thought that breast "poofs" would be so hard to figure out?? I do know how really unimportant this stuff is but if it gives us something to laugh about, I'm all for it. Between my hormonal emotional ups and downs and the non existent breast issues I feel like I've just had a baby. Great right? Dr. Garvey says that's normal because the cells left on the chest wall can't figure out what happened to the rest of them. Me either! I am fine so please don't worry about me. I have been so blessed. Melia sent me this post: If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail Love it! Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there

10/8/15

This has been an emotional day even though I felt it would turn out this way. My appointment with Dr. Garvey, my surgeon, was this afternoon. Don't know what was going on but the office people were rapidly going in and out of the surgeons offices with this panicked look on their faces. Then the security man showed up and escorted two women and a child out of the offices with the woman yelling about calling the cops while much of the staff was surrounding the women and trying to get them out of the building. All in all it was a good diversion. So they did find that there were actually three different types of cancer in the breast they thought had one kind. Also they found that five of nine lymph nodes had cancer cells. Because the cancer in the nodes was not killed by the chemo and could have spread Dr. Garvey and Dr. Hansen will meet and come up with another plan of treatment. Dr. Garvey feels that the radiation needs to begin as soon as my body recovers from the surgery. She thought that I would probably be doing radiation and chemo at the same time. Doesn't sound like much fun but she encouraged me to do whatever I fill like doing. I know that we never would have found the other two cancers until it was too late if the visible inflammatory cancer hadn't appeared. I know that there are things that I need to learn and do. I believe that God is in charge and I am so grateful for His tremendous blessings in my. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you, Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid." This scripture found in Luke has lifted me up when I was so frightened. Faith and fear cannot reside together at the same time so I choose FAITH. Know that we love and appreciate all of you who read this blog, who have supported all of our family through words, cards, flowers, meals and prayers. Thank you!

10/7/15

It almost feels like a normal day of what life used to be - and that's great! Even put some mascara on the two eyelashes I have left so my face doesn't look like a death mask! Life is so full of joy if you ignore that is going on in the world that is.. Waiting for Scott to come home and drain my three lovely bottles that contain blood and who knows what! I would do it myself but heaven only knows if I would get the right tube to the right bottle and drain it into the right container to measure, and then record the right amount totals. Do you think this is a permanent condition? Sure hope not cause Scott will have to lead me around with a leash. I have always felt I'm not very competent but now I know I am totally incompetent! Keep waiting for the chemo side effects to go away but they are very loyal to the misery cause. Now it feels like 50 lb breasts pulling down, stinging and sending sharp pains that you would swear there was something there besides two very long incisions. The great thing is it will heal!! I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and she should have the results of the lymph node biopsies. What an experience this is that will allow me to understand and help someone else. It's been such a beautiful day!

10/5/15

Who would think that having two mastectomies would be such a relief! That is if I can ever figure out how to make the breast forms fit in those pouches. Tried to call my sister to see which side went in first. All in all, I don't think I got it right but I've got lots of time to practice. I'm so grateful to know that even though I may have to live on cancer drugs at least I will never have to have another mastectomy. ( I don't know how to do a smiley face on the blog or you would see one) So in the recovery room the nurse told us to sleep with my head elevated. Neither Scott, Alysha, nor I know why that was or how long it was to be. I've been sleeping almost sitting up for about a week now and don't know why and it is not comfortable for someone who generally sleeps on her side! But tonight one pillow is going...

10/4/15

Another few days gone bye. I am feeling more like a living, breathing, but sore, person. Sharp stinging pain feels quite a bit like the chemo systemic pains I've had four the last four months of Taxol. I am so grateful for the health I have! Although I hear it's pretty miserable when they pull the tubes out, having them gone would solve many problems. It is difficult to think you are healthy with 24" tubes hanging out of your body with grenade looking bottles connected to the ends and filling up with blood. Was that gross? I love grossing out my kids!! There has got to be something fun about this whole thing... On a Conference Sunday I'm so grateful for the help we received in strengthening ourselves during these turbulent and lawless times.

10/2/15

From the flowers on my kitchen table you would probably assume I had died - but no - I'm still here. So relieved that the surgeries are over! If I could have I would have jumped off the table with joy when I came out of the anesthesia. The doctor had talked to Scott and Alysha then left. She said everything had gone well. She had taken 20 lymph nodes that would be sent away to check them for cancer. I'm so grateful for the peace of mind the gospel brings to us through priesthood blessings and prayers. Of course I knew I would look different but going from looking large busted to seven months pregnant is a bit of a shock. Merely because of these grenade looking things that are connected to tubes that are draining blood and stuff from inside my chest. Two on one side and one on the other. Scott had been wonderful. Draining, measuring, and keeping track of amounts of liquid and making sure I have medicine on time is a bit of an ugly job. I am so grateful for him and my family and friends who care for us and pray for us. I think the body pain with the chemo has helped me because it is used to having pains in different places. My chest looks like a massacre has taken place - not difficult to identify me if I wander off somewhere. There are so many women who go through breast cancer surgery, I have such a reverence for them. Here it is Friday and to think I thought that Tuesday would never come. I have been blessed beyond belief. Usually the unknown is worse than the event itself and that's how this surgery, so far, has been. It just reminds me that we need to find joy in every day; to look for the good around us because life can change at any minute for anyone of us.