12/30/2015

So you know how excited I am about getting some facial hair - well today when I washed my face there was this fuzzy hair on my face! Different places on my face are pealing. Had my first haircut since I've been hairless. It's about an inch long and silver. All in all, I'm rather weird looking! I'm so grateful to be alive regardless of how I look. Another year has gone by. A year very different than we expected!

12/27/2015

Wondering why I feel so disconnected from everything.. Just could be because I have lived that kind of a life for the last 10 months, or medication, or extreme fatigue, or side effects from treatments; or who knows.. Maybe it's just part of the whole cancer experience. Then I think about people who have lived their entire lives with illness and handicaps and marvel at their tenacity. I know how blessed I have been though. I have known miracles during this time that could only have come to me because of the faith and prayers of my family and friends and the grace of God. The good thing is I am starting the last phase of the treatment. Five years to life - sounds like a jail sentence doesn't it?! Life with it's many ups and downs are gifts to us, chosen for each of us to learn and grow. I just hope that I am learning and becoming a better person!!

12/24/2015

Halleluiah! Last day of radiation! The doctor and wonderful staff at the cancer center had a celebration for me. It just seems so unreal that 28 treatments are over - what seemed insurmountable in the beginning. While we were celebrating Dr. Fisher told me the test results from the nuclear bone scan revealed bone disintegration and arthritis in hands, feet, knees, back- but NOT CANCER!! Anyone who has raised ten kids and is 67 years old should have a lot of wear and tear on their body. So onto the next phase of treatment which is the hormone blocker that Dr. Hansen says with my kind of cancer I will have to take for five years or for the rest of my life. Also need to have a bone density test to determine if I need some kind of bone strengthening infusions which would be once a month. I'm so grateful the cancer hasn't spread but I realize the rest of my life will be much different than it was. There is much to be learned from this experience in my life. Actually much of my treatment has been at Ogden Regional where in the many folders of information was the following: PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, where there is hatred, let me sow love, where there is injury, pardon where there is doubt, faith where there is despair, hope where there is darkness, light and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood, as to understand to be loved, as to love for it is in giving that we receive it is in pardoning that we are pardoned and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. I love this prayer. It truly is who I aspire to become and so many of you have exemplified in my life this past year.

12/18/2015

It has been an interesting couple of days. Beginning with the day I felt good enough to go shopping after radiation - for an hour that is! Walked into Wal-Mart and you know how they have displays of toys and things, well inside the door they had a box full of different toys. One was a big plastic crayon that I know one of the kids would enjoy. So I picked it up and went on into the store just to be blocked by the security man who ask me what I was doing with the toy. "Isn't this cute?" "Ma'am, didn't you read the writing on the box? That is the Toys For Tots box. You need to return it." Was that ever embarrassing! I was hoping to be done when this radiation ends but I'm going in for a bone scan on Monday. First get the injection, then go for radiation, then back for the scan. Hope I don't blow up in the radiation machine! If it comes back and they still can't tell if the area in my back is cancer or degeneration they will do a bone biopsy. That sure sounds fun to me..... The good thing is if it is cancer it can be radiated in five treatments. To be honest, that was depressing until thoughts of so many people who live with debilitating illnesses for years helped my perspective.

12/14/2015

Just thinking about prayer and how powerful other's prayers have been in this last year in my life. I have always loved the quote "Be an answer to someone else's prayer". One of the most poignant times that has taught me about other's prayers was the day my mother, my best friend who I knew loved me unconditionally, left this earth life. I was sobbing and walking the floor upstairs in our bedroom. To this day I can still vividly picture where I was in the room when I suddenly felt the pain and sorrow lifted from my soul. A perfect calm came over me and in my heart I heard the words: "Someone is praying for you". That was 36 years ago and yet feels like yesterday. I know the prayers said for me have lifted me through this last year of cancer treatment. So many of you have prayed for me and really have been the answer to my prayers. You know if there are any misspelled words in these blogs it is the automatic spelling correction! It even replaces words making when you don't realize it. It certainly couldn't be me - ha. Feeling good today since the radiation doctor's office called and said they were cancelling treatments today. I'm happy to see that the hourly burn cream has made a difference! What a beautiful day it is with the snow covered tree branches!

12/12/2015

Picture this: An old woman always wearing zip front sweatshirts with pockets full of eye drops, disinfectant, tubes of Aquaphor, and a cell phone with alarms that go off every hour. Yep, it's me! Pretty sad sight. I really hate to spend the time taking care of myself, but then I don't have any energy to do much else. Every hour with the eye drops that somehow looking in the mirror and putting them in half of the drops miss my eye entirely and end up running down my cheeks. Then there's the burn cream to rub on the crisp radiated area so your side and arm sticks together every hour. But even worse is the "air time" your supposed to give your chest. Now I am aware there is nothing on my chest but even with the doors locked and the blinds down I'm worried someone might somehow get in my house and see me. Am I weird or what?? Only six more radiation treatments to go! Interesting that while they are telling you radiation is the easiest part of cancer treatment you find out that many people quit before the treatment ends because they are so miserable. I think it is more of a conglomeration of chemo and surgery that puts your body into a "I've had it" mode.

12/9/15

Seek heavenly guidance one day at a time Life by the yard is hard by the inch it's a cinch Thomas S. Monson Only ten treatments left and the MRI is over so inch by inch, yard by yard, day by day this cancer treatment is going to end! I am such a woos (is that how you spell that word that means weak, etc?) I only know that without heavenly guidance and blessings, life this last year would have been so much harder. The MRI is a noisy experience but the good thing is they don't band your feet together or keep your arms clasp to bars above your head. You do have some company though because the technician is talking to you and explaining what is going on. Never opened my eyes because I certainly would have panicked thinking sudden death was coming in that very claustrophobic tube! Should have the results back by Friday. They are concerned about an area in my back that has been there since the beginning of treatment but thought if it was cancer it should have been killed by the chemo. The three doctors involved in my treatment remind me that they will be seeing me often in the future.

12/6/2015 A whole week has gone by again. I am going to Sacrament Meeting and I am so grateful for the peace that brings me. Gisela is coming with me! Almost every day I a make a list of what I am going to get done. Guess that is helpful to make myself ashamed when night comes and if I'm lucky one thing on the list will be done. It is interesting that with chemo I rarely felt nauseated, just more cramping, and now with radiation there are times of extreme nausea. Which usually happens when I try to shop - I think Scott has put a curse on me! So grateful to live in Morgan

11/30/15

12/3/5

Isn't it comforting to have some understanding through the scriptures of what these last days hold for us? I'm just finishing the Book of Mormon (and no, it isn't the first time!) and the heartbreak of those final days of the Nephites reported by Mormon. We know of the commotion and destruction of the last days - we are living in it. What is amazing to me is how rapidly good has become evil and vise versa. The last two days of radiation have been good. The Dr. says I'm probably not going to burn to the point of blisters and pealing but the fatigue will increase. Yeah!! I love the staff at Ogden Regional Cancer Center. The toll road and I have become good friends. Even robbed my piggy bank for quarters. I knew they would come in handy some day but never thought it would be a quick way to make daily trips to the hospital for radiation treatments!

12/1/15

Who knows what the future holds for any of us? I wonder if we knew, would we be more prepared.?. Guess we need to live every day as if it was our last. It is depressing that I know that could be a reality for me, for any of us really, but I am not consistently doing those things I know would make me a better person. How sad is that??! It seems that my energy level is no where to be found. So I leave radiation and feel like I can go shopping only to find that after twenty minutes of walking through Sams I don't know if I am going to throw up or pass out - once I get to the car and get something to eat it usually subsides. Just saying I don't mean to undermine Sam's Club! It's the same no matter where it is... Anyway, there are just 14 radiation treatments left. Remember the old westerns where the Indians would stretch and tie their enemies to what looked like two poles held together by other boards, that's how it feels to have your arms stretched above your head and your feet tied together and not being able to move for over 30 minutes. The two nurses, one male and one female, didn't think it was very funny when I shared that info with them. When they left I realized that the male nurse, who I thought was Asian, actually was of the native American Indian descent. Isn't it interesting that everyone leaves the radiation room because it is dangerous for them and yet we cancer patients are always enduring radiation. Have a good night! Love you all!!