7/30/2015

Well this morning my plants needed to be watered. I have those planters that water from the bottom and one of them has not flourished like the others. Even worse it reeked like something was rotten. With my chemo brain and body I couldn't quite figure out or have the energy to investigate. Felt good this morning so got the shovel and pulled out the plants and shoveled out most of the soil. To be fair - it is big and heavy when there is water in it. So finally got most of the dirt out and started across the yard with the pot half full of stinking rotten water only to feel my levis slipping down. Tried to take another step and tripped on my falling down pants. What to do?? I let go of the pot in order to pull up my pants and ended up covered with the stinky, murky water from the pot. Just so glad none of the neighbors were outside! They already think I'm crazy..... Starting to get blisters on my hands and feet. I'm wondering just how many body parts chemo can effect. My ears - the only ones! But then I actually think I can hear better than I used to. Sometimes that's a good thing!

7/28/2015

Just when I thought my body was getting used to this new chemo, my hands and lips started to feel swollen and very tender. I keep expecting to look in the mirror and see one of those plastic surgery gone wrong faces! But the reality is neither my fingers or lips look much different. Just feel weird... What a difference it makes to me to know that this life has purpose for all of us. We can learn very valuable lessons in the not-so-fun times in our lives that make us better people. When the phone rang I picked up the book under the phone " I Will Not Leave You Comfortless". Opened it and right before my eyes was written what I wanted to say. A quote from Elder Joseph Wirthlin: " While every man and woman...has experienced an abundant measure of joy, each also has drunk deeply from the cup of sorrow, disappointment, and loss. The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness...Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others."

7/26/2015

Today and yesterday has been a reminder that chemo is nasty! This is the first time my fingers have been sore and tender but the aching and tingling sensations are rampant everywhere in this dilapidated body. Just two more months of chemo! I don't know what is scarier - the known of the chemo or the unknown of the surgery and the radiation. I am so grateful to know that there are better days ahead. So grateful for the blessings that have been part of my treatment!

7/24/2015

So I am really seeing what "chemo brain" really is! And to think I thought my mind couldn't be much worse... Mid sentence I forget what I'm talking about. The only thing that is better is my sense of smell- which is driving me crazy because I always think I smell something burning or some other odor that no one can smell but me. It has been a good couple of days. If I let myself I could lay down and sleep most of the day. ---- No treatment this coming week.

7/20/2015

My sister says IBC (inflammatory breast cancer) is usually a younger woman's disease. So should I be flattered that cancer chose me - old as I am? I just hope that my getting IBC means some other younger woman won't get it. But life just isn't fair in that way. Probably one of my most used phrases while my children were growing up was "life just isn't fair" when they would complain about something not being fair. There wasn't much time to ponder then. But now I believe that the things that happen in our lives truly have purpose and are more than fair because they allow us to grow in ways we would not have chosen ourselves. Tomorrow is treatment day - the last one this month! I have felt good and expect this week to be ok also.

7/19/2015

Sundays come around round so quickly! It is not much fun being alone on the ranch while everyone else is at church. Will be glad to get back to church and our ward family - such wonderful friends. Cancer is a whole new mind set but not unlike many serious health problems. Some days I just want to make it though the day and other days I want to live each day with joy. Enduring to the end has taken on a much broader meaning of how illness and old age add to that' enduring' word. I have been so blessed not to be deathly ill with the chemo. After all there is nothing weird about waking up at 9:00 am and being dead tired by 10:30 am. How grateful I am to have the gospel as the foundation of my life and the lives of my family. To know that there is purpose in this life makes whatever we are going through meaningful.

7/17/2015

Did you know: adults with no hair can get cradle cap (a condition usually associated with babies)? When I finally realized what that spot on my scalp was and that I needed not just to wash my head but brush my scalp thoroughly every day - I just had to laugh. I still think I am a little old for cradle cap though!! Had my second treatment for the month on Tuesday and have felt much better than the last treatment. Never thought those first three months of chemo would end; now I can actually see the end of these treatments. How grateful I am for the scriptures teaching us to Have Faith, Not Fear. As the next stage of treatment comes along with some trepidation on my part, I know that having faith rather than fear will be such a blessing to me. I haven never been so aware of and amazed by the courage other people have in dealing with life's adversities.

7/12/2015

Just sitting here thinking about what a wonderful life we have here on the ranch (or the compound) as it is often referred to) Looking out the window Friday afternoon I saw this streak of blue running toward the house. On further investigation I realized it was Melia's little Sadie in her princess dress (one of many) running back to her house. She must have had a tball game because she rarely moves that fast! To be able to watch the kids kayaking in the water at the Pit and various other activities on the ranch is such a blessing to me. There is so much love and support here - we are very blessed! I am very grateful for our kids and how, despite their busy lives, always find time to check on me. I am feeling good and ready to get another treatment over this week. Only two and a half more months of chemo. I have developed a great respect for people who live their lives on chemo! Thank you so much for your prayers - what a difference they have made in my treatment!

7/10/2015

The three weeks on and one week off was a welcome relief! Actually felt pretty good by the end of the week off. Then during the infusion this week I sat by two women who were always nauseated by the infusion and knew they were going home to spend a week or more throwing up. I am always amazed at the strength of the patients in the infusion room - their stories, their treatments, their will to live. To really live, not just survive through the time they have left. I have been so tired this week. Must be because I am working so hard- NOT! Two more treatments this month then just two more months of treatment and hopefully that will be the end of the chemo. Surgery and radiation doesn't sound like much fun either. It has been great to spend more time with my precious grandchildren!

7/5/2015

How great it is to be an American citizen! It was so great to spend some time with our family at the Pit and at a barbeque at Jake's. What a blessing this family is to me and to each other. I'm just grateful my eyes open by themselves in the morning! And to have found a lip balm that really helps my peeling lips as well as a much less sore mouth and no body aches - It's a wonderful day!

7/3/2015

After a wig -raising cow chase on the ranger with my husband I realized my wig is not going to be blown off anytime soon and after going through three months of chemo I am not ready to die!! We started off with such a calm beautiful ride. Then found some of the cows were on the golf course and that quite ride quickly turned into a race with those crazy black cows. Scott thought I was screaming (which could have been true)so he was yelling over the roar of the ranger for me to quit screaming while he driving wildly through the three foot weeds, up the golf course hill, and through the fields. Which made me realize that although over the years Scott and I have told each other we would really rather die quickly in an accident than linger with some debilitating illness- I certainly don't want to die being scared to death! And so I am happy to be at home while he found a better cow chasing companion. I'm just guessing he's not going to take me again. Thank Heavens! It has been a good day. Not even any aching today. My lips are peeling- which reminds me of our mission because they peeled for three months in the Dominican Republic. Didn't have the mouth and throat sores that I have now though. You know what is so awesome is knowing that we are all brothers and sisters and children of a father and mother in Heaven who loves us. I believe that we all promised to help each other return to them. I have been the recipient of so much love and compassion that my testimony of that promise has been solidified even more.