8/30/2015

Life really may get back to normal - went to Sacrament Meeting - ten minutes late and left ten minutes early. First time for over five months. Didn't know my grandson was speaking but got to listen to him. One thing I have recognized in myself is the constant fear that something bad is going to happen. I have to remind myself constantly that I am just being paranoid but I know how quickly your life can change. It makes it more difficult not to worry about those I love and actually, everybody else! For the past three or four months our dish remote has not shut off and you couldn't turn up or down the volume. I tried to call Dish but couldn't get through. On the left hand side of the TV I had put a sign Jamie gave me up in front of the bottom of the TV. It dawned on me that maybe the remote was covering the remote access on the TV. Sure enough, moved the sign and the remote worked. So glad I didn't get through to Dish!

8/28/2015

It's almost September - who would have thought five months of chemo would pass so quickly! Three more treatments before they evaluate the success of the treatments. Hopefully it will have receded enough for them to do the surgery. The only thing I know for sure is we have a loving Father in Heaven who is in charge. His plan may be completely different than I would choose but I am confident He knows what, in the long run, will be best for me and my family. I have been so blessed. These last three days have been good for me. In fact last night watching the news my eyes actually watered a little bit. (Of course it could have been just how bad things are all around us). It has been so long since that has happened it was almost shocking but sure was a welcome relief to my dry, dry, eyes. Cutting my nails short has helped with the finger tenderness. So all-in-all I should feel good for the next few days. I am so grateful for the prayers and many acts of kindness that have been such a blessing in my life.

8/25/2015

When I wait until night to blog I am too tired, or fingers too sore, or can't see very well, etc. So I am starting early tonight. It certainly is nice not to be going for chemo this week. I would never have thought that your fingernails could hurt! I'm just learning all kinds of things that I never really wanted to know. You know when you read in the obituaries about people who have fought a valiant fight against cancer, I have thought it was more a matter of endurance. The more I see people fighting to stay alive for their young families, or go through all kinds of torture to live longer for those they love, the more I understand what being valiant in those obits means. The important thing for me is knowing this lifetime will one day be just a moment in time. We have the opportunity to make that moment a learning and growing experience. The things that mean the most to me here are the things that are eternal - so grateful for that knowledge.. The sad thing is even knowing that I still fall so short of who I should be. And isn't that a pleasant thought to end this blog on?! Thank heavens for the atonement.

8/20/2015

After two frustrating hours of looking for my phone and finding it in my pocket, I decided I'm a pretty lost cause! Yes I did try to call my cell phone but it went right to the voice mail. Probably wouldn't have found it till bedtime if I hadn't bumped against the door and realized there was something hard in my pocket.. It's been a couple of normal chemo days. Fatigue and aching, sore fingers, dry eyes, nose, and mouth. I am so grateful just to have these side effects. My little girls were here playing Candyland with me. Brynlee sat across the table staring at me and finally said, "Grandma, I think you had better go get your hair!" She was so serious it just cracked me up. What a blessing having these grandchildren near is.

8/18/2015

Just too tired! One of my all-time dislikes is trying to open those stuck together garbage can liners .. Of course they are the cheapest ones because Scott picked them up and he doesn't have to open them. But where was he when I needed a bag opened? The ones in the produce section of the grocery are frustrating to me! I guess I just have a bag opening deficiency I am doing something wrong in these blogs but of course I can't figure out what it is. This week I lost a blog. It could be that I wait until night when my mind is even worse than usual! These days I can't seem to find anything - it's a good thing body parts are attached. Sister Anderson took me to chemo today so we had a great visit before she leaves on her mission. Every time someone shares their cancer story I realize how truly blessed I am. The mornings have been good for me, by noon I'm headed downhill and by night my body is pretty miserable. That is all going to end soon though. The last five months have passed so quickly. Here's hoping the next five zoom by!

8/12/2015

Just checked to see when I had written last and was stunned at how much different it was from the page I had actually written. Now I know your probably saying "Oh sure!". But it is true... After a rather depressing treatment on Tuesday I realized that each day is a gift and we need to find joy everyday. I have been so blessed in this life. Who could not find joy when they are surrounded by family and friends? Except when your adult sons are out shooting bats at dusk and it sounds like a war zone. And there is the comfort of never waking up with messy hair. I am tired of leaving the house with my pants on backwards and I can't figure out why they don't fit!

8/9/2016

Sunday again... It seems not long ago, in the Dominican Republic, that Sunday was a 12 hour day of gathering up our little family for church then teaching music the rest of the day. What I would have given then to have Sunday as a day of rest and now here I am - every day is a day of rest and it's not nearly as fun as I thought it would be. Guess we figured out where Joe and Hannah's little Owen got his white hair when I took off my wig and Scott laughed and laughed because I have this fuzzy white hair growing where the colored brown hair used to be. I thought it would come in gray, but really - white? It's been a couple days of fatigue and aching but today has been much better. I miss going to Church and seeing my friends. They announced today they would be forming another ward in our Stake. We have an amazing ward so that makes it sad to think of change. In these days of uncertainty I do know that a kind, and loving Father in Heaven is in charge. Love this card I received from a friend: You may not know exactly where the road is leading Or what the days may bring or how you'll manage them But there is one thing you can know for sure You'll always have the help and support of people who care People like me I have certainly had that help and support from so many people - so much more than I deserve. If you are reading this blog, thank you for your love and support.

8/7/2015

Looks like I lost at least one post somewhere in my confused state of mind! (That is a fairly common state of mind for me) Before my chemo we stopped at a post-mastectomy store. Now that was one weird experience. Checking out breast forms, bras with pockets, bras with bags that hold the drainage bottles- all in all it was a stark reality check for me.. Following that fun experience went for an infusion. Last week they left me a beautiful heart shaped purple bruise below the port, I had called to see if that was ok and they said it was. DeDe took me down and when the nurse came in to start the shots before the infusion she immediately called the head nurse. After pushing and feeling all the bruised area they decided someone had nicked a small blood vessel last time. Funny thing was the girl they called in to have her inspect it was the one that gave me the medication last time She spent a lot of time making sure the needle was in the right place this time. It was a depressing experience in the little infusion room. One of the women was deathly sick and another just very sick. However some bakery had brought lunch to the office and they hadn't eaten all of the sandwiches so they passed them around the room to those who weren't too sick to eat. Felt guilt and sadness eating while others in the room were so ill. So now I am just back to fatigue and aching. Five more treatments to go!