9/27/15

Having spent most of the day listening to talks by Elder Scott I realize again that it isn't the numbers of years we live but rather how we live the years we are given. I always feel so inadequate and pledge to do better but usually fall back into the same old habits. Then I take hope in this quote by Elder Holland: "God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are willing to go." Only today and tomorrow until surgery. I know the outcome may be good or bad but whichever it is will be God's plan and He will help us through it.

9/26/15

On a middle of the night trip, the only one thank goodness, to work at the cannery in Ogden Camille Wilde showed up with rollers in her hair and a list of the top 10 reasons we should be doing the midnight to four am shift. By the time we got to the cannery we were laughing so hard we could barely get out of the car! I know they thought we were a bunch of crazy old women but it was the most fun I've had at the cannery! It was shortly after that trip that I was back there again stacking and checking the cans that were coming off the lid sealer conveyor contraption where the cans went around on about three levels before dropping off to my job. The manager carefully explained how to inspect and stack the cans on the conveyor belt in front of me. He said, "Do you see this red button? That's for when there is a problem with the cans." So I was doing a great job until some of the cans came through that weren't labeled right. I tried to ask the people around me if I should push the button. The two workers across from me said I probably should. Meanwhile cans are coming around on the conveyer and dropping before I could put them where they should be. So I reached over and pushed the red button. In horror I watched as the cans on the lid conveyor belt were smashing into each other forcing the contents to spew out all over the place. I don't know which was more shocking - the food spraying all over, the deafening blasting of the alarm, or the red-faced manager who came running out of his office screaming "Who is responsible for this?" I didn't see any of those people who told me I should push the button. They had just vanished! I told him that I was the one who pushed the button. He must have yelled at me for a good/bad five minutes. Was I ever feeling like the idiot he said I was! They had to shut down the whole assembly line. And to think it looked like such a simple job! You guessed it - I didn't go back for some time for fear they would recognize me and kick me out. Today has been an aching day. Following Camille's example, I figured there must be ten top reasons to have a modified radical mastectomy: (If you are a male you might want to stop reading here) Could only come up with eight appropriate reasons. 1. Makes you appreciate a normal, less painful mastectomy on the other side 2. No more irritating bouncing 3. No more cleavage that you have to try to cover 4. No more built in shelf that catches anything you spill 5. No more worries about breast size - now I can change that at will 6. No more worrying about getting breast cancer-I already have it 7. No more painful, embarrassing mammograms which didn't pick up the cancer anyway 8. No more panicking about things that don't really matter

9/23/15

Isn't it great to have the Pope here! When I think how special it is for me to see and hear from our Church leaders I am so happy for the Catholics who get to see and be in the presence of their beloved leader. It has been an introspective few days as the surgery I was so anxious to have is coming up soon. Waiting to see which side effects of the chemo will actually go away and am grateful that six months of that is over. Will I be able to remember where my cell phone is? It is always lost! A post on Facebook: Sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything, or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel that we are cared for and supported. Today I had the privilege of "friend sitting" a very sick, cancer riddled friend. What a battle she has fought for years with different cancers and treatments! She is always in pain but rarely complains. I have learned so much from her about enduring to the end with grace.

9/18/15

So Dr. Garvey okayed my surgery on the 29th of this month. That is just a week and a half away! So setting up all of appointments for pre-op, radiation, etc. Reading up on modified radical mastectomies makes me realize I could not go through this cancer stuff without faith in God. Each day when I put on my wig and look in the mirror I have thought there was something familiar about the look. Figured out what it is - the Donald Trump hair syndrome. Then the cap came off one of my many capped teeth. What hair I have looks like white fuzzy sheep wool. When I tried to pencil in some eyebrows I couldn't even tell where they used to be. I don't see well and my eyes are always red and tired looking. Now I am not complaining because I know how precious life is and these things will change but I do feel badly for Scott and anyone else who has to look at me!

9/16/15

. Wonderful news today from Dr. Garvey's assistant I called to ask who notified Medicare. Before I hung up she had scheduled an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Garvey and set up the bilateral mastectomy for Sept 29. What a miracle! Thank you for your continued prayers. Of course after hanging up it hit me, "wow, now I'm a bit scared". But then I have never been known for my bravery...

9/15/15

Hallelujah!! Dr. Hansen says he feels the cancer has pulled away from the pectoral muscle and I'm good to go. It strikes me a bit strange to be excited to have surgery - but I am. That will be the second of the four steps of treatment. Getting to this point seemed like it would be years when Dr. Garvey said to set aside a year for the different stages of treating this inflammatory breast cancer. What a blessing to have the chemo over and having it work enough to go on with next step. I am so grateful!

9/12/15

Well I had decided to get up early and go to Sam's Club. No one is there between 7:00 and 8:00 am. Imposing on everyone else to shop for me for six months now, even though they never complain, must be getting old for them! I thought shopping for myself would be a welcome break for all of us. And it was for about half an hour. Soon after that it wasn't me pushing the cart - it was the cart pulling me! Probably should have known it was going to be that kind of a day when I decided to put on some makeup so people wouldn't think I was dying and couldn't find more than five eyelashes total to put mascara on. And that didn't help much as the cashier reminded me a couple of times to "be careful and drive safely" as she saw me drooping over the cart. Just had to laugh! One more treatment next week and I should be ready for surgery in October. Maybe that will be my birthday present! My sister, who has had a bilateral mastectomy, just had open heart surgery. Her first barely coherent words to me were "boobs are a piece of cake". We all love her and hope she will be up and around - without pain - soon!

9/10/16

It was such a good day until night time when I looked in the mirror. I'm surprised Scott still loves me! Got to hold little Emie yesterday; what a beautiful baby she is! Today has not been bad. My sister underwent open heart surgery yesterday and is in so much pain today. It's difficult not to be there with her but I know she has a great caretaker. In my pathetic mind is the idea that it is still April and I am waiting for fall to come. Guess that was when life dramatically changed for me and my mind hasn't moved on. Of course that shouldn't surprise anyone because my mind doesn't move at all! Except it is full of gratitude for the many blessings the Lord has given me. What does one do without family, friends, and faith?

9/8/16

I do have an excuse for not writing for a while, maybe not a good one though. It was time to have a physical so I could renew my meds. Personally you just have to wonder if all of the cancer tests shouldn't count as a physical!! I had wanted to talk to Dr. Obrien though since I haven't seen her since the before the inflammatory breast cancer. The visit was good but then they called back with their test results which weren't so good. My liver and kidney functions were low so I shouldn't take Ibuprofen Tylenol or any pain meds. Well Ibuprofen has been a lifesaver for me so that was a frustrating development. I know I am a wimp- so after three days of aching and being miserable and spending most of the day and night in bed I decided to take two 200mgs when the aching was the worst. I know how serious this cancer is and there is no reason to worry about taking a small amount of Ibuprofen. So today at treatment Dr. Hansen's office they ran the same kidney and liver tests. Good news!! The counts were better. Don't know if it was because one test was done after fasting and the other one wasn't or if it was just a tremendous blessing. I'm sure about the blessing part of it - not so sure about the fasting results. Melia went with me for the infusion today. It was so nice to have her with me. My sister, Dede, has spent much time with me. She found out last week that her heart wasn't good and is in the hospital for open heart bypass surgery tomorrow. We all love her and pray that it will be a successful surgery and a good recovery. "Don't get caught up in the thick of thin things" What are the thin things in my life? That is probably one of the lessons I need to learn through this experience. Thank you for your prayers. They make such a difference in my life!

9/2/2015

Another treatment crossed off the calendar- only two more if they stay with the original plan. I think Dr. Hansen was a little disappointed that this last chemo hasn't worked as well as the first ones did. When he looks at you with that serious and calculating expression, it is a little scary. But he did say he thought they could do the surgery as planned. (At least I won't have to worry about my hair!) We'll see what Dr. Garvey, the surgeon, has to say in a week or so. The weeks go by so quickly. I can't believe that it has already been six months. Talked to Dr. Garvy's PA today. She said the oncologist is the one who tells the surgeon when you are ready for the surgery - which is good news because Dr. Hansen is more positive about the surgery. Set up an appointment with Dr. Garvy on October 1 to schedule a surgery date. I'm praying she will find the cancer has receded enough to do the surgery. Although life with cancer can be consuming, yesterday was such a great day with the birth of Joe and Hannah's beautiful little baby girl!