2/1/2016

For those of you who are familiar with puppy treat - I keep some puppy treats in my pocket for puppy bribes. You know they look much like Ibuprofen Ibuprofen has been my main go to med for the past ten months. I have found them in many places they shouldn't be and realize they must have fallen out of my pocket or something! A few nights ago I was getting ready for bed and I see this red pill on the carpet by the bed. So of course I figure that I had dropped it instead of swallowing it with the others. You can probably see where this is going. Picked it up and grabbed my water bottle, when the smell of puppy treats took over. Sure enough, on close inspection the not quite so rounded edges of puppy treats became evident. This may be the only time in my life that the roots of my hair are darker than the rest! It's so nice to have hair. From the chair at the side of my bed I looked across the room to the mirror on the wall. The mirror that at first showed my normal hair; then the shocking no hair look; then the wig with lots of hair look; then the stubby white sheep look; and now the different colors of gray look. At least I recognize myself in the mirror and don't get frightened that someone else is in the room with me! WOW - it is feels great to alive! I'm so grateful to feel that again. I know without the prayers of others things would probably be much different. The best thing in life to hold on to is each other!

1/12/2016

In 2015 I would get mixed up and put 2016 on many things; then I just figured it was because I wanted 2015 to be over! Now that it is 2016 I am amazed how blessed I have been over these last ten months. Pondering what I have learned: 1. Foremost that others prayers can actually change the course of your life 2. The power and comfort of priesthood blessings. 3. That at the most desperate times in our lives we have a Father in Heaven who supports us so we can carry on. 4. It is essential to let our faith be stronger than our fear and sometimes that is really tough. 5. God's timing is not the same as ours but He does have a plan for us. 6. The compassion, love, concern and support of friends and family has buoyed us up with cards, calls, meals, thoughts and prayers, and much more. 7. That having body parts removed does not change your soul. 8. If you think your mind is bad now, have chemo and you really know what absentmindedness is. 10. That a radical moderate mastectomy is much more painful than a normal mastectomy. 11. No more mammograms! 12. Amazement at what so many people have to endure in their lives but find the strength and courage to go on and to encourage others. Pretty tired of reading my thoughts aren't you... Just know of love and gratefulness for you all !

1/2/2016

A New Year for us all will bring many more experience to learn and grow from. To look forward with hope is certainly difficult at times but we have each other. What a blessing!! The each other part that is..... Wednesday is the day Dr. Fisher says I will wake up and say "Wow I feel good". Can hardly wait since the radiation burn is worse than it was during treatment! Well here I am the woman who has always said she would never have a dog in her house with an adorable little puppy who isn't even potty trained. Good diet aid for me because the smell of the puppy and dog food and other smells, makes food sound disgusting. That's probably why I have never had a dog in the house! You must get used to it.... For some reason the loneliness that has come with cancer feels much better with the puppy. I see now why they have therapy dogs in the hospitals.

12/30/2015

So you know how excited I am about getting some facial hair - well today when I washed my face there was this fuzzy hair on my face! Different places on my face are pealing. Had my first haircut since I've been hairless. It's about an inch long and silver. All in all, I'm rather weird looking! I'm so grateful to be alive regardless of how I look. Another year has gone by. A year very different than we expected!

12/27/2015

Wondering why I feel so disconnected from everything.. Just could be because I have lived that kind of a life for the last 10 months, or medication, or extreme fatigue, or side effects from treatments; or who knows.. Maybe it's just part of the whole cancer experience. Then I think about people who have lived their entire lives with illness and handicaps and marvel at their tenacity. I know how blessed I have been though. I have known miracles during this time that could only have come to me because of the faith and prayers of my family and friends and the grace of God. The good thing is I am starting the last phase of the treatment. Five years to life - sounds like a jail sentence doesn't it?! Life with it's many ups and downs are gifts to us, chosen for each of us to learn and grow. I just hope that I am learning and becoming a better person!!

12/24/2015

Halleluiah! Last day of radiation! The doctor and wonderful staff at the cancer center had a celebration for me. It just seems so unreal that 28 treatments are over - what seemed insurmountable in the beginning. While we were celebrating Dr. Fisher told me the test results from the nuclear bone scan revealed bone disintegration and arthritis in hands, feet, knees, back- but NOT CANCER!! Anyone who has raised ten kids and is 67 years old should have a lot of wear and tear on their body. So onto the next phase of treatment which is the hormone blocker that Dr. Hansen says with my kind of cancer I will have to take for five years or for the rest of my life. Also need to have a bone density test to determine if I need some kind of bone strengthening infusions which would be once a month. I'm so grateful the cancer hasn't spread but I realize the rest of my life will be much different than it was. There is much to be learned from this experience in my life. Actually much of my treatment has been at Ogden Regional where in the many folders of information was the following: PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, where there is hatred, let me sow love, where there is injury, pardon where there is doubt, faith where there is despair, hope where there is darkness, light and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood, as to understand to be loved, as to love for it is in giving that we receive it is in pardoning that we are pardoned and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. I love this prayer. It truly is who I aspire to become and so many of you have exemplified in my life this past year.

12/18/2015

It has been an interesting couple of days. Beginning with the day I felt good enough to go shopping after radiation - for an hour that is! Walked into Wal-Mart and you know how they have displays of toys and things, well inside the door they had a box full of different toys. One was a big plastic crayon that I know one of the kids would enjoy. So I picked it up and went on into the store just to be blocked by the security man who ask me what I was doing with the toy. "Isn't this cute?" "Ma'am, didn't you read the writing on the box? That is the Toys For Tots box. You need to return it." Was that ever embarrassing! I was hoping to be done when this radiation ends but I'm going in for a bone scan on Monday. First get the injection, then go for radiation, then back for the scan. Hope I don't blow up in the radiation machine! If it comes back and they still can't tell if the area in my back is cancer or degeneration they will do a bone biopsy. That sure sounds fun to me..... The good thing is if it is cancer it can be radiated in five treatments. To be honest, that was depressing until thoughts of so many people who live with debilitating illnesses for years helped my perspective.